The fine art of naming of racehorses: Part 1

Monmouth Park race caller Larry Collmus does a splendid job of describing the race to the line. But you pick up a note of alarm at his looming fate as the two fillies challenge for the lead off the final turn: “It’s Mywifenosevrything and Thewifedoesntknow! They’re one-two – of course they are!”

As they pass the post, Larry yells: “Mywifenosevrything – more than Thewifedoesntknow! Whew!”

Another YouTube video has caller Ted Durkin tackling a win by the ludicrously named DoReMiFaSoLaTiDo. Ted goes the brave route and breaks into song.

Standout names constantly are being mulled over by inventive breeders and owners looking to make a mark in a field full of uninspired and insipid choices. Of course, most people register traditional racehorsey names, but it’s the jokers and exhibitionists who give the game an extra splash of humour and colour.

Setting verbal traps for presenters and commentators or sneaking rude innuendo past officialdom is one way to go. In British races shown on Tellytrack, one often hears race callers informing us of the progress of the likes of Eyemaneejit and Imjabberin.

Strictly speaking, this type of mischief-making isn’t allowed, and rude and offensive names are supposedly strictly off limits. Yet many a clever and wacky one has made it past the scrutineers and onto the track.

The most infamous off-colour example was that of Hoof Hearted, an American horse that won races in the late-1980s, resulting in endless jokes about coming from behind and winning by a nose. South African officials seemed oblivious to this nonsense when they allowed the same name in 2000. Luckily the local moke wasn’t as talented as his namesake.

Authorities are supposedly more vigilant now, but pranksters will have their way.

It took a while for Britain’s racing suits to ban Wear The Fox Hat, and only after it was shouted loudly by Irish punters; and even longer for them to twig the sniggers about Sofa Can Fast.

UK’s Jockey Clubs have, however, rejected Ben Dover, Biggus Diccus, and Penny Tration.

The US has allowed Hardawn, Wrecked Em and Bodacious TaTas into its staid studbook. A horse called Panty Raid even made it to the prestigious Breeders Cup meeting a few years ago.

The American stallion Foreplay was responsible for much hilarity, such as his daughter Lets Geton With It. But first prize went to No Woody, who was from the mare Degeneres.

In South Africa, the brilliant filly Takingthepeace might have been a touch-and-go decision on the part of the National Horseracing Authority suits – with the generous argument of promoting peace possibly winning out.

However, the same gatekeepers did allow Joyphillypist, who’s name wittily derives from a mother called Joyful and a father called Philathropist. Proving that intoxication doesn’t help athletic endeavor, this creature did not perform well. 

Talking of booze, there have been pearlers on the theme: Drink Me Pretty, Oliver Beer and Sotally Tober.

Often the joke is at the horse’s expense: No Speed No Feed, Forthegluefactory, Stake Or Steak and Really Bad News.

Actually, horses’ names are more important to racing people than most of them let on. Even hard-bitten punters are drawn to word associations and the sounds of words in an elemental way.

There’s a lot more to say on this weighty matter. Next week.

For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.