Use the Nelson Eddys in your skyrocket to make plenty more bangers and mash

The early betting market for the Hollywood Cape Guineas at Kenilworth on 17 December underscores talk that the R2-million classic is a “boat race”.

Unbeaten colt Charles Dickens is quoted at the shockingly short odds of 9-20, while fellow Capetonian Cousin Casey is 4-1. Next on the list are Joburg visitors Shoemaker at 13-1 and Union Square at 16-1.

The term boat race refers, of course, to the annual Oxford-Cambridge rowing race in London – with just the two eights competing.

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We need to be wary of thinking the Guineas Exacta bet is a forgone conclusion, though. Both universities have had boats sink in the River Thames – on one occasion both in the same race. Any old seaworthy tub could cruise by and win in such an eventuality.

Boat race is also Cockney rhyming slang for “face”. And looking at Charles Dickens’s Guineas odds, another Cockney term comes to mind, “on his tod”, meaning this precocious brat should be finishing lonely.

Interestingly, on his tod is derived from horse racing. It came from Tod Sloan, a colourful American jockey of the late 1800s who went to England and revolutionised race riding there by introducing the crouched, “monkey” style that’s been ubiquitous ever since. Before that, British riders stood ramrod-straight in their irons.

In a race, Sloan was a master of making the pace and coming home in front, all on his own – would you Adam and Eve it?

We’re getting diverted and rabbiting on (from rabbit and pork: talk). Enough of that pony and trap, I hear you say.

Cockney slang

But first, it has been said that Cockney slang is going out of fashion and has even been dubbed kitsch by some modernist berk.

OK, the likes of apples and pears (stairs), trouble and strife (wife), porkies (pork pies: eyes) and china (plate: mate) are a tad passé. Even Charles Dickens, the great 19^th century writer, would have been familiar with them.

But there’s no doubt the secret language of London’s Cheapside is still alive. New manifestations include: Barack Obamas (pyjamas), Nelson Mandela (Stella beer), Britney Spears (beers), Posh and Becks (sex) and Brad Pitt (a rude thing to call someone).

Cape Guineas

Charles Dickens, the horse, knows nothing of this load of cobblers’ awls. Nor of his Daffadown Dilly odds on the biscuit and cookies’ boards. So, he’s unlikely to feel the pressure of an eagerly awaited Cape Guineas renewal.

But he’ll surely soon realise the opposition he meets here is stronger than he faced before, as he strolled to five consecutive victories.

Punters who feel the big chestnut is cruising for a bruising – to use an epithet from closer to home – will be relishing the long odds on some smart horses.

Charles Dickens and Cousin Casey might be the best thing since sliced Right Said Fred but, if not, there’s a great opportunity to make plenty of bread and honey – even as much as a bag of sand.

Betting on the Cape Guineas:

9-20 Charles Dickens

4-1 Cousin Casey

13-1 Shoemaker

16-1 Union Square, Light Speed

20-1 At My Command, Anfields Rocket

30-1 Le Morne

35-1 Royal Aussie

50-1 Dave The King

66-1 Port Louis, Money Heist

80-1 and upwards the others