It is time to set boundaries with your mom-in-law

Relationships with mother-in-laws can be draining. It’s either they are not confident that you are good enough for her son, or worse, incapable of raising her grandchildren. More often than not, this is an assumption moms make based on the behaviour of their mom-in-law.

They are either criticising your cooking, your up-keep of the house, their son’s weight gain/loss and even the way you are raising the kids.

Meredith Hansen, a clinical psychologist who contributes to Psych Central, a mental health social network, agrees that most couples struggle with in-law issues.

The last thing a new mom need is an overstepping mother-in-law that makes her feel like she is not doing enough. Moms already feel like they are underperforming without the assistance of anyone else. What more with the added pressure of someone looking over their shoulder as they raise their children?

Communicate calmly

Most of the time, your mom-in-law will continue with the critiquing, or taking over because no one is telling her that it is uncalled for. Psych Central suggests that “you have a respectful, but a clear conversation with her about the issue.” Having difficult conversations is one of the hardest things for humans to do. And more often than not, it is the most effective way of dealing with challenges.

Use ‘I feel’ statements

The last thing you want when communicating with your mother-in-law is to arouse their defences. This happens when you use ‘you’ instead of ‘I’ when stating your case.

For example:

“You make me feel like a terrible mother every time you tell me that I am not feeding my children enough food”.

Versus

“I feel like like a terrible mother when you tell me that I am not feeding the kids enough food”

Compassion Coach, an online counsellor, teaches that the latter fosters a culture of appropriate assertiveness. Your mom-in-law cannot fight you for how her behaviour makes you feel.

Set the boundaries with your husband as well

According to Hensen healthy couples are “able to have open conversations with their spouse about their needs and create a plan that both of them agree with”. Maybe your husband enjoys his mother’s cooking and prefers her in the kitchen when she is around. Now you communicate frustrations with your mom-in-law that he does not agree with.

A lot of times, it is easier to not take things personally when it comes to your mom-in-law. For the sake of your sanity, speak with her.

Chances are, she will continue with her habits even after the heart-to-heart, but the bottom line is that boundaries are set and she would know that she is crossing them when she does.

A lot of older women feel that they are being supportive and are trying to guide you when they suggest things and criticise you. So they are not even being malicious.

Right now, you are the only person that knows she is overstepping because you have not told her.

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