Talking (or writing in this case) about sexual intercourse can be an interesting, if not slightly awkward conversation to have. But that’s mainly because we don’t often speak about it… and we need to! Particularly during woman’s month.
One of the major themes in this conversation with women is that, sadly, many women don’t get to enjoy the ecstasy of experiencing orgasms on a regular basis – and this may lead to a growing disinterest in sex or even a subtle resentment of the fact that, in general, men have the pleasure of orgasms pretty routinely (and pretty quickly too 😉 let’s be honest).
But here’s the thing, sex can be incredible and should be a sweet experience. Especially if we allow ourselves to be a little vulnerable and truly enjoy it, regardless of whether we (women) have an orgasm or not… we should never, ever, fake it.
Obviously faking an orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not enjoying your sexual experience. And that’s the rub of it; intimacy without an orgasm can be very satisfying, and faking an orgasm undermines this. Faking an orgasm reinforces the misconception that climax is the goal of sex, when it should actually be intimacy.
There are many reasons why people fake orgasms, but you know what, it’s time to stop. What are the misconceptions and how can we change our views?
1. Sometimes you just might not be that into sex.
Women in my opinion have been conditioned to have sex when they are not in the mood, and if this is the case, well newsflash, you wont enjoy it! So what do we do? We go through the motions which, yes, might include faking an orgasm just to get it over with. Raise your hands ladies, I know you are nodding your heads.
Firstly, we need to stop tying our orgasms to men and their expectations. If you are having sex, you should be enjoying it, even just a little.
Why do women fake orgasms? Several answers might include: we want it to end, knowing that we probably won’t orgasm dims the light on the entire experience. We don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings. But should we really be lying about it and not be authentic to our own experience?
2. We might not know how to orgasm.
Not many women, in my opinion, are able to reach climax in the old school missionary position. So, you might need to explore different positions and routines, longer foreplay, a change in setting, etc before finding what enhances your experience of sex, and you know what! That’s OK.
We come from a society where it has been taboo to talk openly about sex, it has always been a topic for the bedroom (If that even happened at all). The sexual relationship between two people is one of the most vital and healthy experiences a couple can have. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Getting to know your body and what makes it tick is a sure way to end the fake orgasm plague.
For many people, self-exploration (masturbating) and sex-toys can embolden them into feeling powerful in the bedroom, this can involve your partner too. By being open to adventuring through sex you are both learning how to navigate each other’s bodies. Bringing you both closer physically and emotionally.
As parents we can fall into the trap of “boring” sex. Our world revolves around our children, chores, work and the mundane list that needs to be checked off on a daily basis. But in reality, this shouldn’t be the case. We can have great sex, if we are open to making the time for it.
3. Are we as women afraid to speak up.
For so long women have been seen as the “pleasurer” in the relationship, it has been up to us to ensure that our partners (men) reach climax. Which luckily they do, almost every time. Should we continue putting their needs before our own? Sadly, in the long run this will leave us feeling frustrated.
If sex isn’t as pleasurable for you as you would like it to be, speak up. Just because you are voicing your opinion does in no way mean you feel less for your partner. Talk about what excites you, how you like things done, give them encouragement when they do get it right, (this will boost their ego and remind them to do it again). Having a conversation during sex is not a bad thing!!
But, if talking during sex is a little too much, use physical direction. Turn it into a game, ensuring that you are both comfortable all the time. After sex, cuddle a little and share your experience. Create the conversation.
4. Always be honest with yourself.
Sex with your partner should be one of the most incredible aspects of your relationship journey. It is never an obligation. Never meant to make you feel inferior or unworthy. Faking an orgasm is not necessary. Putting together the puzzle pieces of what makes your sex life incredible is an empowering experience for both you and your partner.
True vulnerability and honesty between you and your partner will provide a sexual rollercoaster ride (of the best kind).
So never be afraid to speak up!
Jacqui Bester is firstly a wife, and mom to five rambunctious children who drive her nuts and fill her heart with unspeakable joy all in the space of a single day. She writes about her day to day adventures and misadventures in parenting, life and marriage. Jacqui is known for sharing a brutally honest account of her MESSY “mamahood”… the joy, the fun, the laughter and the tears. She enjoys a good mystery-crime novel with a lovely glass of red wine, trying out new foods and restaurants with her hubby on the odd date-night, exploring new places, learning new skills, and generally anything else that calls for a more adventurous approach to life. You can find her over on One Messy Mama.