Trumpophrenia has a nice ring

I live in South Africa where stealing is a national sport, but we’ve never been so brazen as to make off with an entire election.

America is clearly suffering from electile dysfunction. Were it not for two backsliding quislings, you would have had a clean sweep of the old Confederate states. How could Sleepy Joe win Georgia and Virginia? These states are set firmly in your country’s majestic Slave Belt.

I don’t understand how they could vote for anyone but you, a man whose father wore his KKK robes with pride. Someone obviously put ecstasy in the drinking water. Numbers are the work of the devil. The moment they started counting mail-in ballots, Smokin’ Joe Biden’s numbers went up.

The moment they started counting Covid-19 cases, the infection rate went up. If that doesn’t prove a conspiracy, nothing will. But, hey! You got 71 million votes. That’s the most a sitting president has ever got, let alone a lying president. That makes you a winner in my book. Sure, Immortan Joe got four million more votes than you, but these obviously came from Ukraine.

Check the boy Hunter’s laptop. You still haven’t conceded the election. Well done. Only losers admit defeat, especially if they have lost. As long as you refuse to accept the results, you can stay in the White House for as long as you like. I’d suggest you get the moat and landmine people in pretty sharpish.

No point making it easy for the repo men. Get Amazon to deliver your “hamberders” by drone. I was shocked to see some of your allies rushing to knife you in the back. Twitter was the worst. For more than four years they were happy to disseminate your 20 000 or so creative interpretations of reality. They were the ultimate superspreaders.

Then they began adding riders to your tweets. “This claim about election fraud is disputed” and “Learn how voting by mail is safe and secure”. Bunch of Judases. Burn them to the ground. Ban the internet. You still have the power. Even some in your own party are turning against you.

Mutt Romney called you the 900lb gorilla in the Republican Party. Mind you, that could just as easily be a compliment. I mean, who doesn’t want to be a silverback, right? Tangle with one of those babies at your peril. How about George W Bush saying the election was fair? What a nerve. For years, the man has been universally derided. Then you came along and made him look like a proper statesman. He owes you. Bigly.

Instead, he publicly congratulates Sloppy Joe, a communist spy who has devoted most of his life to plotting the overthrow of the United States. Even your good friend Rupert Murdoch put the boot in. You should have known better than to trust an Australian. These people come from criminal stock and it will take centuries for the duplicitous genes to bleed out.

Snowflakes posing as analysts say your aggressive politics cost you the election. What nonsense. If anything, you weren’t aggressive enough. You didn’t even start a single new war. No wonder so many of your supporters were disappointed. You should’ve nuked North Korea when you had the chance. There’s still time. Tell your man Rudi to stop fannying about at garden centres and check out the legality of destroying Pyongyang.

Who could have imagined that so many black people would vote against you? You told them repeatedly that nobody in the world was less racist than you and that you’d done more for black people than Malcolm X and Martin Luther King combined. Were they not listening? Perhaps you should have forced them to listen.

You should have put them in a concentration camp where they could concentrate on what you were saying. Speaking of which, are you sure Bolshevik Biden is white? He seems unusually fond of Africa. I bet he’s a light-skinned black man from Kenya. Try to get some of his DNA. He’s probably Obama’s uncle.

The pretender to the throne says he wants to heal divisions. That’s the talk of a madman. Divisions are made up of 10 000 heavily armed troops. They are meant to be unleashed on the enemy. Healing never killed anyone. Did you hear that he is already forming his own coronavirus task force? He’s going to be deciding important things using “science” and “studies”.

The man is a danger to humanity. One of the consequences of a Biden presidency is that the environment will take precedence over profits. A well-known hugger of bunnies and sniffer of hair freshly washed with organic shampoo, this man is going to be slobbering all over the climate. He’s going to want clean air and rivers and everything’s going to be declared a protected area.

It won’t be long before people are getting mauled by bears in Central Park. And who would want to work in the Capitol if it meant running the risk of being savaged by wolves during lunch break? Has it occurred to you that your entire family might be unemployed soon? They’re going to become a terrible burden. Start getting rid of some of them now.

The boys should be the first to go. Maybe hang on to the favourite, but ditch the idiot. The one with the teeth. Keep Barron too. The lad intrigues me. He’s either the devil incarnate or will be the saviour of the human race. No middle ground with that one. Jared has to go. The lizard people have their uses, but his time is up. Keep Ivanka.

A hot girl with rat-like cunning and pliable principles can be an asset. I imagine your immigrant wife won’t be around for much longer. My advice is to dump her before she dumps you. Don’t have her whacked. A simple divorce will do. Assuming you don’t go with the moats and minefields idea, have you thought about what you’re going to do next? Maybe you could open a theme park in Ohio. Something along the lines of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch but without the kiddie fiddling.

Those children you put in cages at the Mexican border would be a fantastic attraction. Everyone loves an interactive exhibit. Speaking of Mexico, that wall of yours needs to be built on the Mason-Dixon Line. With the help of the Proud Boys and the Aryan Brotherhood, the South can be all yours.

Let me know if you need help. South Africa still has plenty of good ol’ boys who would be happy to give you a hand in return for a piece of Alabama, a bunch of guns and a sturdy woman who knows her way around a V-8 engine. Is it true that the American Psychiatric Association is thinking of including election denialism in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual?

It would be awesome to have a mental disorder named after you. Trumpophrenia has a ring to it. There are at least 71 million people that we know of who already have full-blown symptoms. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but it’s tradition for the outgoing president to leave a note behind for the new guy.

Maybe you should get someone to help you write something. Or at least check your spelling. No, that won’t work. How about a gift? I know what you’re thinking. Don’t do it. You don’t want to end up sharing a cell with Ted Kaczynski. He went to Harvard and you won’t know what he’s talking about.

Whatever happens, keep golfing. Unlike your fellow Americans, golf will never betray you. As long as you control the scorecard, you will always be a winner.

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