Trauma tortures rape survivors for years

At the age of 12, Sihle Bolani was left bleeding in a car after two men took turns gang-raping her.

She said she lost her virginity, dignity and peace of mind that day, and still remembers every second vividly.

“I will never forget how, when realising I was bleeding, the one said to his friend, ‘you’ve hurt her, bro’, and he continued to rape me anyway.

“I remember crying, begging for them to stop, screaming and they just said, ‘We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one will hear you so you can scream as much as you want’. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore,” Bolani said.

It took her years to open up about the experience, even to her parents.

“Like so many other victims of rape, I was afraid of talking about that violent experience. I was also ashamed and spent five years being tortured by thoughts about how it was my fault it happened.”

After years of pain and torture, she finally managed to forgive herself.

“I have forgiven myself for thinking I was to blame, for not knowing, or sensing, or understanding the depth of the depravity and appetite for violence that the men who raped me had.”

Bolani might have forgiven herself and opened up about it, but still feels that it’s impossible to completely heal from the trauma.

She said women in South Africa constantly feared becoming victims of the violence men have meted out on so many.

“For so many women, men have raped them more than once. Men have physically assaulted them more than once. Men have shot and stabbed them.

“Every time I need to leave the house, my anxiety peaks,” she said.

It was unfair, she said, for society to put pressure on rape victims to speak up.

“Your fear is valid. Your anxiety is valid. Society continues to fail women who have been abused by men repeatedly. The justice system continues to fail us.”

Nsikayethu Mthethwa. Picture: Supplied

Nsikayethu Mthethwa has a similar story of trauma.

Last year, she was raped and lived in fear, trauma and depression.

Last week, however, after the death of Uyinene Mrwetyana, who was raped and brutally murdered in the Cape Town post office on August 24, Mthethwa had the courage to share her story on Twitter.

She said she was still struggling to heal and forgive her rapist.

“Some days, I feel as if I have, and I wish him well.

“Most days, I want him to suffer the way he made me suffer – mentally, emotionally and especially physically.

“I’m still angry and nowhere near forgiving, but with time it will happen,” she said.

As part of finding healing and moving on, Mthethwa has been having therapy and has found other coping mechanisms. She said reading about other women who have had the same experience made her realise she was still struggling to find healing.

“I am trying to completely detox myself of him and any trace he left on me and my body. But I know for a fact that one day I’ll get there,” she said.

She added that there was a lack of spaces for victims to speak out and that society did not respect that speaking up should always be a voluntary move.

She encouraged other rape survivors to only come out at the right time.

“Speaking up can also mean just speaking to someone about your story. You don’t have to do it right away or at all. So be patient, kind and gentle with yourself,” she said.

The survivors were not confident that men who find power in rape would ever change.

“No amount of talking to, educating, or anything will get a lot of these men [and some women] to stop and listen to us as they seem to revel in violating us. It’s as if our fear spurs them on,” she said.

To help other rape survivors, she is planning to open an aid organisation.

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