Buy this Saxonwold stunner at a real steal

Saharanpur Estates our motto: We steal your attention! WINDING UP SALE – ON BEHALF OF OWNERS A Saxonwold stunner!

Don’t miss this opportunity to capture your own little piece of the (e)state! Situated in the heart of Saxonwold, this four-mansion compound says you’ve arrived like no other!

• Main house features 12 bedrooms (modelled on the luxury suites of the Oberoi Hotel in Dubai); 10 bathrooms (master features gold-plated taps, gold-plated bidet and gold-plated His and Hers commodes).
• Enormous main dining hall (you cannot call this a room!) seats one Cabinet for formal functions.
• Seven reception rooms, from the Baba Cloisters (which features woven wall baskets for accommodating brown envelopes, and leopard-skin chairs – all available for the new owner); to the Molefe Mews, which features leather-inlaid oak table for signing of tenders; to Lynne’s Lounge, decorated in fetching shades of Brown; and Nazeem’s Nook (not a straight line in the place and now repainted after the previous occupant was struck down by an illness unrelated to conscience).
• Cinema! Equipped with the latest audiovisual equipment from MultiChoice, it features direct links to the studios of ANN7. The kill switch still works, too. New owner might want to retile the floor, which currently features a portrait of Bollywood heartthrob Amitabh Bachchan.
• Fire Pool! Modelled on the one in Nkandla (or maybe it was the other way around). Currently filled with 67 000 litres of Perrier Water.
• Rooftop helipad! None of your neighbours have one of these! Still operates (at least until Herman Mashaba closes it down) and offers a 10-minute trip to your executive jet at either Lanseria or OR Tambo.
• Servants! No one else will have 16 servants imported from India at their beck and call. They can be included in the deal. They don’t speak much English, they work 16-hour days and do what you tell them to. They’re also legal, because Malusi organised their permits, so all you have to do is move in and give orders!
• Walk-in safe – bigger than in most banks! Deposit boxes for cash, bearer bonds, diamonds and gold, as well as company books (which can self-destruct if there is a Hawkish buzz of the bell at the gate).
• Eskom-installed gas turbine power station so your lights will never go out! And there’s more! The package on offer includes vehicles – all the premium German brands (although some of the BMW X5s with the blue lights may have to be returned to the Department of Public Works). An eight-ton armoured vehicle should you need to get away when the hordes are at the gates. Security! It doesn’t come better than this: Ex-military and police operatives with experience. Also 1 233 Sahara computers (with extras) can be included for a giveaway price.

TERMS: Owners are keen sellers and sale is urgent so price is highly negotiable.

• No Bank of Baroda cheques.
• Euros only (US dollars means the American can interfere).
• Bring cash in unmarked, low-denomination bills to British Virgin Islands (details upon signature).
• Send proof of payment to Mr John Oakbay, c/o Oberoi Hotel, Dubai.

Citizen deputy editor Brendan Seery.

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