#FakeNewsFriedman: We’re totally f*cked, Gordhan and Mabuza confirm

WARNING: The following post contains satirically strong language and no political spin-doctoring. 

Minister of Public Enterprises Pravin Gordhan and Eskom chairperson Jabu Mabuza held a press conference on Tuesday morning in a bid to clarify to a concerned South Africa that the country’s energy situation was “f*cked”.

“We’re f*cked,” a frank Gordhan explained, before adding that we he would go so far as to say we are “deeply f*cked”, but that other terms for the situation, such as “utterly f*cked”, “totally f*cked up beyond all recognition” and “we’re on the f*cked train to f*cksville” would also suffice.

“Yup, we’re pretty f*cking f*cked,” Mabuza agreed.

Mabuza then went into a detailed explanation of the technical reasons for Eskom’s lack of capacity, which journalists at the briefing have admitted they completely ignored, their eyes glazing over as they just heard the words “we’re f*cked” uttered by the Eskom chairperson repeatedly.

At one point, Mabuza explained that Eskom’s problems were “structural, operational and financial”, a comment that has been widely interpreted by South Africans as just another way of saying “we’re f*cked”.

Gordhan said at the briefing that he apologised for the situation, but added that in his opinion South Africans must “harden the f*ck up,” as there’s “literally f*ckall any of us can do”.

The minister also suggested various practical solutions for South Africans who are dealing with load shedding, such as “immigration,” “learning to be content with just sitting around in the dark” or “inventing a new form of energy unreliant on fossil fuels”. He warned against making babies as a solution to load shedding boredom, stressing that in nine months’ time these children would be born into a situation that would, in all likelihood, “still be f*cked”.

According to a financial analyst who chose to remain anonymous, Gordhan and Mabuza were correct in their appraisal of the situation.

“Yup. Definitely f*cked,” he said.

Note: This is satire, and is published every Thursday. Unless it isn’t and gets published on another day. 

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