#FakeNewsFriedman: Loudini the lion to be represented by Dali Mpofu

The lion who escaped from the Karoo National Park near Beaufort West, spending almost a month on the loose before his recapture on Wednesday evening, has spoken out against what he believes is his unfair treatment at the hands of SANParks and the police, announcing that he will be represented at his trial by Advocate Dali Mpofu.

The lion was held overnight in a police cell in Sutherland. He was held in a cell on his own, after police expressed the belief that he could be a danger to other inmates. The date of his bail hearing has not yet been announced.

Speaking outside the police station following his release, with Mpofu by his side, the lion said his arrest was a violation of his fundamental right to roam freely through the land of his birth, in a statement that surprised many, as lions can’t talk.

Less surprising was Mpofu’s decision to represent the lion in his legal battle. The prominent advocate and EFF chairperson has represented Tom Moyane, Supra Mahumapelo and Gareth Cliff, leading one analyst, who chose to remain anonymous, to remark that his taking on the case of a massive, brutal, dangerous beast may be a sign that the advocate is now being more careful in his choice of clients.

Mpofu said his decision to represent the lion was not an indication of dual loyalties and that he remains a proud supporter of the rights of human beings.

“While I do not agree with everything lions have ever done, I respect the right of all species to a fair trial,” he said.

During his press briefing, the lion also expressed his disappointment at the fact that, despite him having broken Sylvester the lion’s record for the amount of time spent outside of captivity, South Africa still didn’t know him by name. “It’s Loudini,” he roared.

A spokesperson for Lions First, Land First (LLF) applauded what the party described as Loudini’s month of “freedom” and slammed his recapture, saying Loudini’s treatment is typical of the way those representing Human Monopoly Capital (HMC) treat lions as criminals in their own land.

The Fauna Front Plus, meanwhile, said they hoped Loudini would be prosecuted with the full might of the law after reports that the lion had killed one kudu, which the party said was “definitely proof” of a “kudu genocide”.

Note: This is satire, and is published every Thursday.

For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.