#FakeNewsFriedman: I have long been a victim – Mampintsha

Producer and kwaito star Mandla “Mampintsha” Maphumulo has spoken out on the horrific abuse he has experienced throughout his lifetime in an exclusive interview that The Citizen completely made up.

This comes after Maphumulo responded to his girlfriend, gqom star Babes Wodumo, laying charges of assault against him by laying counter charges, claiming he was the one who was assaulted first and that the video footage showing him attacking her did not tell the full story, as he was actually responding in self-defence.

Despite the widespread disbelief at Mampintsha’s assertion that he is actually the one suffering within an abusive relationship, a random person, who chose to remain anonymous, told The Citizen that it was “totally super-duper plausible” that the 36-year-old, six-foot-plus Mampintsha is actually the victim of abuse at the hands of his much-shorter 24-year-old female partner.

Now, Maphumulo has opened up on the scars he bears after a life of abuse.

According to Maphumolo, a family friend who used to look after him as a young child subjected him to horrific abusive treatment, such as asking him about his homework and telling him to finish his supper. On one occasion, he alleged, she even told him to please go to bed.

He said that he was forced to slap her repeatedly across the face in self-defence just to make the abuse stop.

The trauma of his childhood did not stop there.

“At school, I was bullied. One time, one of the other kids looked at me funny. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t going to let this abusive behaviour go unpunished, so I headbutted him, punched him in the teeth and then kicked him over and over again in the balls.”

As well as human beings, Maphumulo said he had also had to defend himself over the course of his life against fierce wild beast including a hamster, a flea and, on one occasion, a gecko. They are all dead now, he added.

Maphumulo also said reports that he was being boycotted by the SA music industry are an exaggeration.

“I’m working on a collaboration with some of SA’s top kwaito and house musicians right now,” he said, adding that those artists involved so far are Brickz, Arthur Mafokate, and Euphonic.

Note: This is satire, and is published every Thursday.

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