Your coronavirus emergency guide – proper SA style

From www.theendisnigh.co.za, your Zombie Apocalpyse news outlet:

1. Build an underground bunker. Copy the designs for nuclear fallout shelters in the USA, 1960s. Quickly cordon off your neighbourhood with palisade fencing, tap into the power cables from the Vumacam CCTV poles, which is your neighbour’s electricity anyway and who cares about legal niceties? Begin digging your bunker from one of the potholes in your street. This will give you a huge head start.

2. Erect signs outside the bunker which say “Sanral e-toll customer service office”. No one will come near you.

3. To pay for the construction, contact Carl Niehaus and ask him to put out an appeal to save the life of his dying baby. Agree to split proceeds 50-50.

4. To keep your location secret, create a diversion: Tell Panyaza Lesufi one of your neighbours is teaching Afrikaans in their garage. When he descends with his media circus, no one is going to notice you.

5. Do not contact the Post Office to hold your mail. They do that anyway.

6. Buy up as much toilet paper as you can. If the Australians can do it, why can’t you? If toilet paper runs out of stock, just fetch the bundles of unsold copies of The Sunday Independent from the local café. That paper might not be as useful as ordinary toilet paper – because it is already impregnated with excrement – but any port in a storm, not so?

7. Collect tins of baked beans, viennas and pilchards. You eat the baked beans and viennas and, when the corona zombies breech your palisade fence, you offer them pilchards. They’ll run – in more ways than one. If you still have tins of bully beef left over from the hibernation of 1994, use those to throw at any attackers.

8. Stock up with at least a case a day of Windhoek Lager. If it’s good enough for Gerard Butler, it’s good enough for the End of the World. Besides, why take a chance with Corona?

9. If you haven’t already got hand sanitiser, prepare a raiding party for the local Dis-Chem. If you must, elbow charge the little old suburban ladies … but it is more effective to use distraction. Say: “Wow! What a cute little puppy!” or “Hey, isn’t that Prince Harry?” When they turn to see, you pounce. All’s fair in love and cleanliness.

10. Given that all of the face masks have disappeared off the shelves, you need to be able to protect yourself if you do venture outside. Find photos of Jacob Zuma or David Warner, cut them out and paste them to cardboard with holes for eyes. Wear them all the time you’re out and about. No one will come near you.

11. Stock up on as many reruns of the Parliament TV channel as you can. Play them whenever you feel as though you want to leave the bunker … just to remind yourself about the toxic environment above ground.

12. Before you close the trapdoor, send the SA Revenue Service an e-mail saying that you have chosen to “self-isolate” from paying taxes because you don’t want to infect any more ANC cadres with the greed virus.

13. Finally, when you can stand it no more, go out into the light and put up a sign on your property which reads: “Government certified. Clear of coronavirus. Perfect for Expropriation Without Compensation.”

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