Written instructions for my daughter’s husband-to-be to follow

I have been working on a contract, getting advice from soothsayers, witchdoctors, excommunicated clergy and other experts in the field of revenge and very, very swift justice.

You see, this coming Saturday, I am supposedly obliged to hand over my youngest daughter to a young man who will stick a ring on her finger, promising her the earth, moon and stars.

Well, I’m too old to fall for empty promises, so I am giving him written instructions to follow.

When I walk my precious little baby down the aisle, I don’t plan on lifting her veil, giving her a peck on the cheek and shaking her imminent husband-to-be’s hand. No way. I don’t do business on a handshake. I like contracts. Written in ink, but signed in blood.

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For starters, the whole “in sickness and in health” bit needs some clarification. In my book, that means her groom is responsible for taking care of her, her three cats, the household and everything the universe throws at him when she has just the mildest of headaches. He will do that, even when in ICU with multiple fractures (which could very easily be arranged, I mean happen).

Not that I wish him any harm. Don’t get me wrong. But my baby is not there to respond to his every beck and call or to play nurse when he has a pimple on his backside.

Then, as far as “for richer, for poorer” is concerned, don’t let me catch him going for the latter. If money is tight, as I am sure it will be at times, he must remember: he’s young, healthy, and intelligent, so there’s no excuse. And I do believe that there is a lucrative black market for young, healthy organs. Just saying.

“For better, for worse” is also not an escape clause or a get out of jail free card. I don’t want to hear the word “worse” ever uttered by my little girl. I expect the young man to look after my baby better than we, her parents, ever did.

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I have already arranged that the marriage officiant will rephrase to “for better and best”. And finally, there’s no warranty or guarantee. He can’t give her back. To love and cherish, until parted by death, is not a wish. It’s the final clause.