Wipe your mouth, Cyril

Weren’t those cartoons of Jacob Zuma and his little built-in shower head just adorable? It really summed up the man and all his many shortcomings.

I’m no cartoonist, but if it was my job to hand out props to politicians – figuratively speaking – Cyril Ramaphosa would be the proud owner of a roll of toilet paper.

I know he has only been in office for about four weeks, but he really does manage to churn out the brown stuff toilet paper was invented for.

Just this weekend he couldn’t stop praising Julius Malema – after stealing his policy on land reform. According to Cyril, “deep in his heart” Malema is still an ANC man. Yeah, right.

With the election more than a year away, Cyril is already buttering Malema up. Obviously, he realises his ANC is deeper in that stuff than they would like to admit. Now, if he’s desperate for votes, I recommend he start by treating the voters with respect.

Just the other day, Cyril asked me on a date. “Danie”, he said, “meet me at half past nine. In front of the television set. I have a Cabinet announcement to share with you.”

So there I  was, all dressed up and five minutes early – just like my mother taught me. Imagine my disappointment when the maitre d’ on SABC3 was tasked to announce that my date would be late.

You too? Keeping millions of us waiting for close on two hours is beyond disrespectful. In fact, I feel like I’m being treated like that brown stuff that isn’t mud.

And remember the State of the Nation address? There stood Cyril, promising to create a million jobs. We all know it costs about R250 000 to create one real job.

Yes, the extended public works programme may “employ” a few hundred thousand people for a week or two, but that’s piece jobs. In fact, it’s nothing more than an extension of social grants.

At R250 000 per real job, he will need R250 000 000 000.

I think Cyril should go to the bathroom, roll himself a nice big ball of paper and wipe his mouth, because he knows what he’s talking.