When women do the picking

The problem with us older women is we’re looking for love in all the wrong places. We really don’t need to have a “swipe right” coffee we pay for in any case with a stranger who just wants to take us fishing in his one-man tent.

And we also really don’t need to barter with old “friends” we long ago slammed the door on just for a hot bath (you’ll understand if your geyser is just not operational). Because we recognise we need – maybe not love – but just can’t recognise it can be on our terms.

So, Mr Right who must still phone me, I hope you drive a tractor and can leave this working girl to live her 9-5 life until TGIF. I’m yours in the down-time. Milk the goats; pull those fences tight as can be; sow your fertile soil and feed the chickens till the cows come home because I’m sure weekdays leave you weak too.

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And let weekends leave you weak at the knees rather – with me, of course. Snigger as much as you like on your stoep over your Klippies and Coke about this city girl who thinks farming stops at the weekend. I know it does.

The volkies are resting (I hope you’ve moved past the dop pay system) and only the apricots need drying in the loft, with maybe the odd bottle of fig jam to be cooked up. And breakfast, of course… If that doesn’t qualify me: did I mention I’m applying for the new journo job at Farmer’s Weekly?

I tick all the boxes: have car, can travel and grew up in the old Transvaal, kontrei of the mielieboere, cattle grates and farm dams.

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And while we’re at it, let’s really have it on our terms and turn reality shows on its head. No more Housewives of Durban or Dubai. I’m thinking a couple of cut-throat Husbands of Hoopstad will make for gripping viewing.

But seeing that I’m planning to be knee-deep in cow dung looking for a man on a John Deere, screw the biggest farce of them all: Boer Soek ’n Vrou. I’m pitching Vrou Soek ’n Boer to Disney, a raw reality show where us women can judge the boeps and the braais.

At least our picks will all look good in their Boerboel pants…

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