When families bring shame

I really hope that you who are reading this cannot relate to what it is about.

Because that will mean the problem is not as bad as I think it is and maybe I am just imagining things.

My question is simple: why do families value saving marriages more than saving victims of abuse from their perpetrators?

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One of the victims, Dorcas Lekganyane, an award-winning scientist, was allegedly brutally murdered by her partner, Cecil Kekana.

Reports say Kekana is a repeat assault offender. Apparently, when an assault case against him was opened some years ago, it was allegedly dropped after the intervention of a family member.

I write this as someone who is single but believes in marriage. But I am also critical of what happens in marriages, because of what families are doing.

My understanding of marriage is that it is a union between two people but, most importantly, between families.

In my African culture, there are practices such as the paying of lobola which are symbols of this union between the two families.

The wedding ceremony itself is beautiful but, unfortunately, somewhere down the line there is this misconstrued idea that this allows family members to meddle in matters that do not concern them.

Today Lekganyane is dead. The bitter pill to swallow for the family might be that they could have saved her life, had they allowed that previous case to be tried fairly.

Many gender-based violence experts believe that most killers have a history of assault.

Now, imagine when there are no consequences for the perpetrator until it is too late, like now when the victim is dead. I have witnessed this in my own family… protecting a perpetrator to ensure a marriage continues.

The family argued that because they never sat down for an intervention, this broken marriage was not fully recognised. In other words, they do not allow the victim to leave her abusive marriage.

The perpetrator in this instance is an alleged pathological liar and physical, emotional and financial abuser and the victim decided – without telling the family – that she was leaving this marriage and this is when the perpetrator tried to kill her.

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The response from the family was shocking that they did not recognise her leaving the marriage, because she did not call them to intervene.

A local television show called My Brother’s Keeper reflected on this vividly recently when a woman tried to leave her emotionally abusive husband and her family turned against her and brought her back to her marital home.

They argued that a woman of her relatively old age cannot leave her marriage and return home because it is a disgrace to her family.

They literally packed her bags without her knowledge and after a family intervention, told her she cannot return with them as she must stay strong and withstand abuse in her marriage.

This scene was shocking to witness a family prioritising a marriage over the safety of the victim of abuse. How can we as a nation envision a safer society if we cannot create them in our homes?

These experiences have made me fear marriage. Although I know I would disregard any intervention, if God forbid, I am in a similar situation … but what about those who feel they do not have a choice?

What about those who are financially dependent on their perpetrators, or those who have no family to defend them, or family homes to return to when there is abuse?

My heart bleeds for those victims but, most importantly, I cast shame on families who fail to see how this destroying our nation.