What’s the fate of Zuma’s wives?

What is the atmosphere domestically prevailing at Nkandla? Given the legal sword of Damocles hanging over Jacob’s head and if replicated in common households like ours, the answer is obvious: bad.

With the former president away so often, to Pietermaritzburg and back, his wives have the chance to blow off steam. My Heidi would’ve done the same if I had been dumb enough to dine with swine.

Says Gertrude, in her 80s: “The only time Jacob laughs out loud is when he hears Cyril is being nailed – like with the Arthur Fraser dollar dumping issue. Otherwise he’s so busy fighting to escape prison he’s become a grumpy old man. We should be enjoying the good times and not watch our backs for a Black Maria to pitch”.

“How right you are, Gerty,” says Gloria, “and Jacob’s legal fees are affecting our budgets. He told me to sack our iron maiden and to do the job myself. I’ve never been able to iron properly, so he’ll probably chew my head off if he sees what I’ll do to his ‘court’ shirts.”

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“That’s nothing,” says Thobeka, “I’ve got to do the washing by hand. Reason? His contacts at Eskom are disrupting power and that it’s not a bad thing, he reckons.

“Before I could answer that it was indeed a bad thing for working wives, he adds there are certain sacrifices which must be made to the greater good. What logic is that?”

“Wait until you hear what he whispered to me in bed last night. No, Thobeka, nothing romantic – at my age, don’t be ridiculous,” says a giggling Gertrude.

“He plans to flog our larney gas guzzlers on the black market, replacing them with smaller ones. Evidently he’s out of touch with his former pals on the tender process panel. They’re laying low so he has to purchase the cars legitimately. Trouble is, advocate Dali Mpofu is pushing for outstanding fees. I can see us going to the town market in Sakkie’s Donkey Uber,” The three laugh hysterically, after which Gloria says,

“Seriously, we’re in a dark place. Even our Gupta cash cows are unable to get us to Jacob’s Dubai luxury home they helped him purchase. In jail, they’re useless”. Says Gertrude: “Shush, girls, I see Jacob’s BMW convoy arriving. “Hayi suka!” they chorus, rushing to their respective duties demanded of them by a perturbed Jacob.