What to expect when Afrikaners arrive in the US

To: All government agencies and departments preparing for the arrival of white Afrikaner refugees from South Africa:

Implementation status: Immediate.

Purpose: Background on cultural issues likely to arise.

While these new green card holders may behave like normal US citizens – they drink a lot, eat a lot of meat, love firearms, bloodsports and country music – there are certain characteristics about them you need to be aware of.

1. “Howzit!” – roughly translated this is “how is it?”, an equivalent to our “how’s it going”.

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2. “Is it?” – we have no equivalent. This means “really?” and often used as punctuation when someone is bored.

3. “Lekker” – means nice and nothing to do with licking anything.

4. “Ja well, no fine” – literally translated this is “yes, well, no. Fine” Our embassy and consulates in South Africa are still trying to figure out this one. Best advice: smile and nod politely.

5. “Bakkies” – we would refer to these as trucks. Even though theirs have been getting bigger by the year, they’re still undernourished compared to our Ford F150 or Dodge RAM. But, do not make comparisons with the size of the man’s Ford Ranger he used to drive.

6. “Blou Ballas” – these are the bull’s testicle-like objects regularly strung under their trucks….often by supporters of the Blue Bulls rugby team.

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7. Given that many of our new citizens will come from that part of the world, please learn the words of Liefling, one of their signature tunes.

8. States which have tough winters – such as Minnesota and Wisconsin, are advised to have EMTs and ambulances on standby, because many of these people will still continue to wear their shorts and vellies (leather boots) even when the snow is six feet deep.

9. “Koeksusters” – AI translates this as “cake sister”, although we understand there can be a more vulgar meaning to the word koek. It’s a South African term for a deep-fried, plaited doughnut that’s soaked in syrup. You are to immediately notify Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy, Jnr so they can be banned because he cannot “Make America Healthy Again” with these temptations in circulation.

10. Finally, the most grave threat to American culture that will come from these people is that they will end the practice of putting hamburger patties on the barbecue (because that is not real meat, they will say). And they will change the name of barbecue to “braai”.

Good luck.

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