What SA’s politicians would say if they wrote to Her Majesty 

Your Most Excellent Royal Highness

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lindiwe Sisulu.

The first name, in our languages, means “waited for”… and I have been waiting for years to get my rightful recognition by the ungrateful peasants in my country.

I saw Prince William’s statement that your Royal Family is not racist and I believe him.

So I would like to apply for the Princess position which must surely be vacant now after that ungrateful American actress caused you so much pain.

I know she was only a Duchess, but me, being a member of my country’s ruling party royal elite, am definitely a better Princess.

You can see, from the enclosed photos, my impressive Royal bearing and you will be pleased to know I will not have to be trained to look down my haughty nose at commoners, because it comes naturally for me.

Note also the photo of how I wore designer personal protective equipment – the lilac gloves were exquisite – when dealing with the peasants.

Another advantage I have is that, as a Minister, I can ensure your British companies are the ones which are awarded good tenders.

Lindiwe Sisulu

Dear Racist Monarch

You and your family have, once again, attacked a Poor African Child.

Why did she marry that strange red-headed boy of yours? How did you make her sell out her people?

You and your White Monopoly Capital shall not rule us with your racist hair shampoos and conditioners!

J J Malema

Ps – it would be a nice gesture if you sent me one of your special armoured Bentleys. I love the brand. Also please say hello to the chaps at the Foreign Office. I’m looking forward to meeting them over dinner at Claridge’s again.

Dear Queen

I know how you feel.

Everybody say you bad and you just want to relax at the homestead and have a swim.

Do you have a pool? For just eleventy million pounds, I know an architect who will design one. And your houses will never burn down…it comes with firebuckets.

I sympathise with your loss. Freddy Mercury was not bad singer – for Indian gay man. Please feel free to pop around for a cup of tea at my place in Nkandla.

Hugs

Jacob

Your Majesty

People in my country have said I should apply for the job of Court Jester there by you.

But, you already have Boris Johnson, so it would be a bit crowded, neh?

But I would be a much better social media manager – I knows this f…ing Twitter thing and I am sure you won’t make me apologise like that other old woman, NDZ.

I really like your glasses, dear. They are so much like mine! I would like the SA franchise for them and we can make all Sanral’s toll inspectors wear them when they arrest people and confiscate cars for not paying e-tolls.

We make an equal split – you get 5%, I get 125%.

Bye-ee

Mbaks

Dear Elizabeth

You can have your name back. We now call our place Gqeberha. Trips off the tongue better.

We will courier yours back to you. Our Post Office no longer exists.

Nathi Mthethwa

Brendan Seery.

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