Welcome to ‘Who Wants to Be a Billionaire, ANC Birthday Edition’

Like fireflies in the dusk, the cellphones lit up the theatre. In their flickering light, you could just make out piles of squashed cake and broken champagne glasses.

“Comrades! We know Pravin misled us on Eskom and even here in Kimberley, the WMC people are trying to sabotage us! But do not fear, Comrade DD Mabuza – the newest member of our team – has gone outside to get the Army generators going…”

Even as Comrade Secretary-General Ace had stopped speaking, the lights came back on.

“Viva! Power to the People!” the SG cried as applause and ululating erupted.

“Welcome everybody to ‘Who Wants to Be a Billionaire, ANC Birthday Edition!’” He looked at the 10 contestants: “Hands on buttons, Comrades! Fastest finger first!”

“Your question is: Put these sentences in order of severity, starting with the worst: A) Helen Zille – Life; B) Jacob Zuma – none; C) Ajay Gupta – one weekend; and D) Adam Catzavelos – firing squad.”

You could hear the overworked brain cells. After a minute, SG Ace said: “OK time’s up!. The correct answer is D, A, C, B. There is a tie between Carl Niehaus and Mbaks Mbalula … but the decision goes to Carl, to prove we are a non-racial organisation and because he has to leave soon for a family funeral…”

In his camouflage dress (tailored by Freddie’s of Rosebank), Carl looked every inch the grizzled uMkhonto weSizwe veteran, as he toyi-toyi’d up to sit in the hot seat.

SG Ace opened the envelope: “Your first question, for 50 tenders, is – Name the correct contractor for Eskom conveyor belts. Is it A) A company with 50 years’ experience; B) Beijing Belt Brothers; C) A company connected with Chancellor House, our party investment arm? Or D) Oakbay Investments Dubai Limited?”

Carl wriggled in his chair and sweated more than when his Comrades came knocking a few years ago and asked for the money back that they had loaned him.

“Comrade SG, how can you give me such a tough question first? Do you not know my struggle history?”

SG Ace laughed: “I can’t remember that long ago…”

Carl looked intently at the screen. “It is definitely not A. But eish, I can’t choose. I think I will have to go 50:50 (like the number of pupils who actually passed matric compared to the ones who dropped out)…”

SG Ace nodded: Okay, computer, take away two wrong answers.”

Nothing happened.

“Dammit Panyaza! I told you not to use the same programmers who did the Gauteng education website!”

He continued: OK, I’ll give you this. The Chinese answer is wrong … at least for now.”

Carl sighed: “Can I ask the audience please?”

Most of the audience was asleep by now – cake and champagne will do that to you – so Comrade Ace apologised.

“Sorry Carl, many of them are MPs so that’s what they used to.”

Carl cleared his throat: ”Ok I will have to phone a friend. Duduzane or Bathabile?”

He chose Duduzane, who was holidaying on the French Riviera.

“Carl, the answer is obvious: D. The Guptas are still our friends and we need the money for the fightback, not to mention paying the lights and water at Nkandla.”

Carl nodded: “Comrade SG, the answer is D!”

Bells rang and lights flashed.

“You are correct, Comrade Carl! You will soon be a billionaire like the rest of us!”

“Truly a better life for all…”

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