Waiting for the perfect softie to share Valentine’s Day with

Six years ago I bought Himself the perfect Valentine’s card. I haven’t given it to him yet.

I’ve given him other Valentine’s cards – I’m not totally heartless – but the perfect one has been waiting for the right time. And yes, the right person too.

In fact, I nearly sent it to my bestie this year, but then I realised one of two things might happen: a) Her boyfriend might intercept it coming through the letterbox and think she was cheating; b) She might think she had a secret admirer, and then be plummeted into depression when she discovered it was just me – me, and my perfect card.

I took it out the other day and admired it, noting sadly that it’s getting a little dog-eared and yellow as I wait to find its ideal recipient.

On the outside there’s a cartoon of an angry old lady in sunglasses, smoking a fag.

“Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to tell someone how you feel,” it says. Inside it goes: “I feel like hell.”

So this year I giggled to myself all over again before putting it away once more. Maybe next year…

Then I went to the shops to choose another for Himself, preferably with hearts, because underneath his crusty exterior he’s an old softie.

There was a card saying “You make me want to shave my legs” but I didn’t get it because it was a blatant lie, and while he may be a secret romantic, he’s not stupid.

What about: “I love you even though you leave the toilet seat up”? He doesn’t. Also, it’s horrible.

And the same goes for the all the ha-ha look-how-flippant-I-amabout-love cards saying stuff like “Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me – then I remember I put up with you,” “You suck less than most people,” “I’m not sick of you yet,” “Here’s to annoying you forever”, “You’ll do”, and the brutal “You bring darkness and financial burden to my life.”

There were some funny cards: “This is turning into the longest one night’s stand ever.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day from the best decision you ever made.”

“I love you more than Kanye loves Kanye.”

All potentially true, but none I’d want to give. Or receive. So maybe, just maybe, I’m an old softie too.

Happy Valentine’s Day.