Trump, tariffs and pitbulls: A letter to Mcebisi Jonas on diplomacy in dystopia

Dear Mcebisi Jonas,

I hear you’re going to be our new man in Washington. Reward or punishment? Hard to say.

Anyway, it’s always nice to get a lucrative side gig, even if it is in a country that is fast turning into something Lewis Carroll might have dreamed up after a particularly heroic dose of laudanum.

I can’t wait to read all about Mcebisi’s Adventures in Blunderland.

As you know, your predecessor was frogmarched out of the US for having dared to suggest Donald Trump was a member of the Ku Klux Klan when he is, in fact, an Imperial Lizard or a Grand Dragon or something way more important than just a member.

I hope you’re going to be more diplomatic and not … hold on, what’s this? A quote from a speech you made in 2020 at the Ahmed Kathrada annual lecture?

“Right now, the US is undergoing a watershed moment with Biden, the certain winner in the presidential race against the racist, homophobe Donald Trump. How we got to a situation where a narcissistic right-winger took charge of the world’s greatest economic and military powerhouse, is something that we need to ponder over. It is something that all democracies need to ponder over.”

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Trump is likely to have someone on the payroll who does his reading for him and, if that person knows how to do a Google search, there’s a good chance this learned rat will scurry back to his candy-coloured tangerine flake of a boss with the aforementioned quote in hand.

You’d be lucky to make it off the plane at JFK International. You might even get shot down on final approach.

On the other hand, the stable genius in the Oval Office might well consider it a compliment to be called a racist, homophobic, narcissistic right-winger.

After all, he moves in everexpanding circles where these are considered attributes worthy of praise.

JD Vance once said he could be “America’s Hitler”, and look where he is today.

It was cunning of everyone’s favourite invertebrate, Cyril Ramaphosa, to appoint you as special envoy rather than ambassador.

Trump will be on the lookout for another radical Muslim revolutionary to replace Ebrahim Rasool and is unlikely to suspect a special envoy since “special” is one of his favourite words, mainly in the context of what’s on special at Burger King, and “envoy” sounds French so he won’t ask anyone what it means for fear of appearing even stupider than he is, as implausible as that may sound.

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You’re our Red Adair, being sent in to cap the burning oil well. I hope you have the tools, my friend. That’s one helluva blowout you have on your hands.

The first thing you’re going to have to do is talk Trump off the ledge. Make him see reason. Show him that we aren’t the reprehensible savages he thinks we are.

If he invites you for a meal, don’t eat with your hands. And if you’re going to give him a gift, make it a gold watch rather than a goat. If Melania enters the room, walk slowly backwards and don’t make eye contact.

You said in an interview this week: “I believe areas of commonality and mutual interest could be embraced to reaffirm the long-standing ties between our two countries.”

I advise that you drop this kind of talk at once. These are weasel words that will only serve to antagonise our enemies.

You need to speak Trump’s language. Threaten him with tariffs of 500%. If that doesn’t work, tell him that you know things and are prepared to spill the beans.

Narrow your eyes. Maybe wiggle your hips. If that fails, get your aide to unleash the hounds. You will be taking pitbulls, right?

You also said: “I will do my best to promote a healthy working relationship between South Africa and the US.”

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You’re not in the Boy Scouts. Doing your best is neither here nor there. In fact, doing your worst is the only way we stand a chance of getting these Yanqui swine off our backs and allow the ANC to finish off our economy in accordance with African tradition.

And when it comes to a healthy working relationship, oh boy, that ship sailed a while ago and its whereabouts are currently unknown.

There are only two things that might work at this point – threats or begging. You’re a businessman. Both should come naturally to you.

You once claimed to have turned down a R600 million offer from the Gupta crime family to be their point man in the finance department. I hope you’ve wised up since then.

Trump doesn’t understand honesty. He thinks it’s a weakness. If he tries to bribe you, although I can’t imagine why he’d do that, keep pushing your price up until he backs down.

It’s the only way to get his respect. If he asks why Zelensky is visiting South Africa later this month, tell him the idea is to drug him and send him off in a packing crate to our mutual friend, comrade Vlad.

If that’s not enough to get us off Trump’s shitlist, tell him parliament plans on passing a law making it compulsory for everyone to adopt the Jewish faith in solidarity with our oppressed brothers and sisters in Israel. That should do it.

Finally, don’t make the same mistake as Jacob Zuma when he went to America. He thought it was called the Land of the Free because everything was free and it took customs two days to remove all the robes, towels and hotel fittings from his bags.

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