The fine art of procrastination: A masterclass in doing everything except what you should

Procrastination is an art form – a delicate dance between ambition and avoidance, productivity and Netflix.

While others are out there conquering their to-do lists, we procrastinators are perfecting the fine craft of doing absolutely everything except what we’re supposed to do.

Mastering the art of procrastination isn’t easy; it takes years of practice, a smidge of self-delusion and a healthy dose of misplaced priorities.

True procrastinators know that the first step to avoiding work is to create an elaborate plan to tackle it.

Make a colour-coded schedule. Buy a fancy planner. Spend three hours researching the best productivity apps.

By the time you’ve finished preparing to start, it’ll be time for lunch – and everyone knows you can’t work on an empty stomach.

Prioritise the unnecessary. Why focus on the urgent report due tomorrow when you could reorganise your sock drawer or learn how to bake sourdough bread?

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Suddenly, tasks you’ve ignored for years become top priorities.

Embrace the rabbit hole. Procrastination and the internet go together like coffee and rusks.

Start with one innocent Google search: “How to write a cover letter.” Five hours later, you’ve watched a documentary about penguin migration, learned the choreography to a viral dance and ordered a ceramic llama planter from an online shop.

It’s called research and it’s very important – or so you’ll tell yourself.

Procrastinators are experts at rationalising their behaviour.

“I work better under pressure,” you’ll say, even as you’re panicking at 11.59pm to meet a midnight deadline.

Or: “I’m waiting for inspiration to strike,” which really means “I’m waiting until the guilt of not starting outweighs my fear of starting”.

ALSO READ: Daily hack: How to use the Pomodoro Technique to help beat procrastination

Excuses are your paintbrush; wield them with flair.

The “panic sprint” is the procrastinator’s pièce de résistance.

After days – or weeks– of avoiding your task, you’ll suddenly spring into action.

Fuelled by adrenaline, regret and an unhealthy amount of coffee, you’ll somehow manage to get everything done just in time.

It’s not pretty, but it’s effective – and it leaves you with the misplaced confidence to procrastinate again.

Once you’ve completed your task – despite every obstacle you placed in your own way – celebrate like you’ve just climbed Mount Everest.

You’ve earned it. Take a nap, binge-watch your favourite show, or scroll endlessly through your phone.

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Just try not to think about the next looming deadline.

After all, you’ll get to it eventually. Probably. Maybe.