The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother

There’s an old gag which goes something like this: When is Mother’s Day? … Nine months after Father’s Night.

But, it also sums up perfectly why we’re in such a mess – as a country and people.

When the ultimate result of a night of passion shows up in the maternity ward, often the sperm donor is long gone. Let’s call it as it is: the definition of father is not merely something biological; it is emotional and psychological too. You are a father because you are around to help raise your children.

Yesterday, as I trawled social media, there were plenty of people remembering their fathers – with affection and thanks. Sadly, for every one of those who had a father there would be many more who had little or no contact with the sperm donor who gave them life.

Becoming a father, becoming a parent, bringing a life into the world, is life’s most onerous responsibility. So, it never ceases to amaze me how lightly it is taken by many people.

I was only 21 and sitting over the breakfast table opposite my friend’s wife. He had met me in the army a few months before and, seeing the poky little flat I was living in, effectively ordered me to come and board with him and his wife. And I soon found out that everything was not roses and sunshine in their relationship.

For her, I think, getting married was confirmation of her social status, along with the fancy car he bought her. She could show off her “catch”. But she was restless and the toys and baubles (eventually a big house which landed him in huge debt) were not enough for her.

As we sipped coffee – before I got ready to cycle into the office (couldn’t afford a car on a cadet reporter’s salary) – she spoke about their deteriorating marriage.

“I think,” she said, “That if we have a baby it will bring us closer together…”

I’m sure I must have spluttered out coffee. Nobody has shared anything this intimate with me. But I felt I just couldn’t nod and say nothing. I said I thought it was a really bad idea … and especially if she “tricked” him into it.

She didn’t fall pregnant and, not long afterwards, divorce proceedings began.

I’ve often wondered why I suddenly showed such maturity when, in reality, I was wet behind the ears myself when it came to serious relationships. Getting a girl pregnant was something which terrified me and all my mates. Two people I knew had parents rich enough to send their girlfriends overseas to “get the problem taken care of…”

I could never have done that – if I ever had a say in such a discussion (because a woman’s body is hers after all). Had I ended up in that position, I would have had to get married … and it would probably have ended in tears.

When I did become a father it was right … but it wasn’t easy. Even if you’re ready, there is no handbook, no warning about the mistakes you will inevitably make. And you can’t undo them. You can’t go back and spend more time with your children and less on your job. You can’t apologise for pushing them hard and not saying “I love you” enough.

But no-one can take from you, either, that joy of seeing yourself in someone and of seeing them become their own, independent person. And the best gift you can give them is to love their mother … and stay around.

That’s what being a father is all about.

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