Tall tale of Twitter’s king

The man moved his small, delicate right hand in the gesture which has made him a TV and social media star.

He tossed his blonde-orange-grey mane of hair out of his eyes and swiveled his leather chair towards the bay window of the Oval Office.

“First of all,” he shouted at his Spinner-in-Chief, “what do you mean they’re copying me in Africa? And second of all, where is Africa? Next to Nambia?” The man in the shiny blue suit clicked his fingers, “Yes sirree! You have become a cult out there …”

The Orange Man beamed with delight: “That’s what I’m talking about! That’s what all the Third World should be doing – giving us respect, following our lead. Not like that slimy little North Korean pissant …”

He put his feet up on the old mahogany desk and continued: “What exactly are they doing?” “Well, sir, there’s a guy in South Africa – you know the place Nelson came from…” “Willie Nelson?” asked the Orange Man. “No sir, Nelson Mandela …”

“Well, Mr President, there’s a government minister there who’s using Twitter to shoot down all those wishy washy liberals and their silly ideas of human rights … and he’s having a go at the lying media too!”

The Orange Man clapped his hands together in glee: “Yeee hah!” Shiny Blue Suit Man looked at his clipboard: “Sir, he says that the cops should grab criminals by their balls, that they should make crooks piss themselves and drink their urine!” Number One grabbed his spin doctor and led him in a quick waltz around the Oval Office.

“That’s just the way I do it – but they seem to have a few less rules about what is tasteful and what isn’t. Hell, I wish I could say: squeeze their balls!” The PR man detailed how Fikile Mbalula had been called “The Minister of Twitter”.

“Just like you, sir! He takes no prisoners – except when he needs to have a great photo opportunity … “Just like you took on those lying liberals on CNN, sir, this guy starts a Twitter war against cartoonists and when anyone asks him about conflicts of interest, he just says: ‘Leave my private affairs alone!’ What a guy …”

The spin doctor went on: “But there’s another bunch who copied what you did when you said your inauguration was the biggest in history. “This organisation, the Private Security Industry Regulatory Authority, took one look at an AK rifle in a video and said: ‘It’s not an AK!’”

He added: “The whole world could see it was, but they just denied it. Just like you did, sir, about the inauguration!”

The Prez guffawed: “Damn! They’re good! How do they get away with it?” “I dunno, sir, maybe a thick skin, maybe they think the rest of South Africa is stupid …” Then he remembered something: “Actually, sir, maybe they didn’t copy you because they were doing this even before you took office.

“One time, the police chief said that a swimming pool in the president’s compound was there in case water was needed to put out fires!” By now, the Orange Man was lying on the plush carpet, tears of laughter pouring from his eyes. “A fire pool? You’ve got to be kidding!”

Citizen acting deputy editor Brendan Seery.