Sorry Cyril, take our booze, the current situation is ‘clearly’ our fault

Dear Mr President.

On behalf of all South Africans, from the highest to the low, I address this to you in deep humility.

We are sorry, Your Excellency.

We are sorry we do not appreciate the wisdom or the generosity of your government, as it tries to lead us out of the dark valley of the coronavirus.

We are sorry if we laughed at Social Development Minister Lindiwe Zulu in her camouflaged T-shirt and Cuban Comrade beret, as she prepared to go off and fight for the National Democratic Revolution (NDR).

We are sorry we do not appreciate the NDR, which will truly turn this country into the land of milk and honey. We are sorry we mocked Police Minister Bheki Cele for looking like a gangster.

We did not appreciate how grave a threat to democracy are cigarettes, booze and posting naughty messages on social media. We are sorry that we didn’t allow you more time to prepare beds and other facilities for Covid-19 sufferers.

We should have allowed you until next year to prepare. We are sorry we got so angry with your lockdown minister, Dr Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma. She is a doctor and she knows better than us.

We are sorry for doubting the ANC. After all, it is the ANC and it knows better than us. But, Mr President, we now know, as perhaps we did not, at the beginning of this pandemic, that you and your government have tried your best to help us.

You have tried your best to prepare us for “The Surge” which, you have told us, “is now upon us”. We are sorry for not appreciating that, or your sacrifices.

We now realise, with crystal clarity, Your Excellency, that the situation in which we find ourselves is our fault. It’s our fault because we don’t care about our health and we want to keep on smoking so we shorten our lives.

It’s our fault because we can’t control ourselves when we are around booze. It’s our fault that there are not enough beds, not yours, Mr President.

There are no beds because they are full of drunken, injured people, sir.

It’s our fault that the taxis are so full, Comrade Leader.

It’s our fault that we are so selfish and want to collapse the country just because we want to go back to work. It’s our fault that we have to use the taxis when we could have joined the ANC to get rich and have private cars.

It’s our fault because we should be thankful our leaders provide us with a motorbike and sidecar instead of an ambulance. It’s our fault we do not appreciate that these vehicles are worth every cent of the R100 000 each we paid for them because they are so fuel-efficient.

It’s our fault, too, sir, that we have load shedding. We do not need hot food or warm rooms and certainly not DStv and Netflix. These are all a waste of the government’s precious gift of electricity.

It is our fault that we complain about SAA and do not think clearly that our ministers need a state airline on which to spend our money. It is our fault that the international ratings agencies have reduced us to junk status – because we did not burn down their local offices.

Mainly, Your Grace, the current situation is our fault – because we keep voting for you and the ANC. As a token of our regret, we would like to offer you our pensions. We trust you will spend them better than we would have.

Brendan Seery.

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