Snorting coke for Christ, going topless against racism, and other pointless gestures

Since my school days, I’ve had this fantasy about starting a Christian club called “Snorting Coke for Christ” because even back then, it seemed a person could do no wrong as long as they did in the name of The Lord and Saviour.

From heavy metal to skateboarding, and, if you want a really scandalous interpretation of evangelism, search for “flirty fishing”.

The idea here isn’t to knock Christianity but rather to illustrate that a perfectly reasonable goal of faith, salvation and worship can have incomprehensible means.

But as far as my Snorting Coke for Christ club goes, I’m going to make it so that any person who does not snort coke for Christ is considered a non-believer. Since I, myself, don’t partake in drugs, I’ll obviously, as is traditional, work in an exception to the rules for me as leader.

Now, once I’ve achieved that and gotten my following, it doesn’t matter whether any other believers go to church every day, say the rosary when they go to bed, give thanks before a meal or any other observation. As long as they don’t observe in the manner that I prescribe, my followers and I will declare them non-believers.

Doesn’t it seem ridiculous that one could be considered a social heretic because they don’t shnaff cocaine? Of course it does but this is the way our politics has evolved.

When Advocate Peter Fischer SC went before the Judicial Services Commission in his third interview to be elevated to a permanent high court judge, Malema lambasted him on his inability to speak SeSotho. Granted, it would have been nice and gone a long way in showing his commitment to transformation, but it certainly would not have been the only indicator.

This is a dude who fought for the rights of juniors at the Free State Bar, offered tremendous hands-on support, and pushed against the divide between the (largely white) seniors and (largely black) juniors. But no, merely because he didn’t meet a language standard, he was considered untransformed.

Funny that, since, arguably, he’d done more for transformation at the Free State Bar than Malema, despite the lacking language skill.

And now, today, the only way to fight racism is seemingly to get on one knee.

Oh, piss off! Unless racism is going to say “Arise, Sir Chem”, offer me a sword, and permit me to smite any non-kneeling heathens, there’s no need to kneel. It’s not like taking the knee is anything more than symbolic.

And that’s precisely that. While we’re debating statues and logos, it’s pretty much a given that symbolism is important.

The comparison of Amla not having to wear alcohol-related branding despite SAB sponsoring the Proteas at a stage is already stale but it’s still valid. It’s not like Amla would be drinking the stuff but still the symbolism was important enough to warrant him not sporting the alcohol associated logo.

Going on one’s knees isn’t a big deal for my followers of Snorting Coke for Christ, but it is seemingly a big deal for many Christians and frankly, denying them that would make you no better than being a member of my SCC.

So for a moment, let’s examine all other evidence of De Kock’s racism.

He was a pretty inclusive captain by all accounts. He was inspired by Lance Klusener’s ability to connect with black players through speaking isiZulu; so much so that he took to learning some Zulu.

I dunno. I don’t see it. I can’t see how taking a knee became the predefined exclusive symbol of anti-racism and if it is, who decided? More importantly, if such a decision can have the repercussions of pushing people out of a national team, how are those decisions made.

Like, let’s start a movement and call it Radishes against Racism. That way, by this logic, we’ll be able to pinpoint all the racists by checking whether their shopping trollies lack radishes.

At the time of writing, it’s not even confirmed that De Kock’s personal reasons for leaving the team are related to this matter, but the smart money seems to believe that they are. Though even if they are, get off your high horse and stop calling a dude racist just because he didn’t follow your prescribed symbolic notion.

Oh, and it’s one thing to say to Cricket South Africa, Instead of being idiotic joiners in ways that make your players uncomfortable, maybe put them all in a room and hear if they can collectively come up with an anti-racism symbol that they’re all comfortable with, rather than you imposing it on them.

I think you’ll find that your team’s response will be more positive.

But since our discourse has regressed to such primitive levels, that’s probably wishful thinking. So allow me to cave and sell the idea like we did in the 90s with nudity.

I hereby declare the month of November, “Nifty Nipples for Nourishing Nascent Neutral or Nuanced Niceties November”. By this decree, any person found to be wearing a shirt or any other top garment will be regarded a racist.

So get your breasts out boys and girls, if you want to fight racism with us at SCC.

You gotta admit. It might not be effective in stopping racism but the symbolism is there and at least it’s more inclusive than 2016’s Dicks out for Harambe.