Restoring tradition without reinforcing harmful patriarchy

I recently spent two weeks in the Eastern Cape, my father’s home, to mark the end of my mother’s mourning period.

In my culture, this period signifies deep respect for the dead and the family at large and involves my mother removing the mourning clothing – symbolically stepping back into “normal life”.

For the most part, the process was smooth but in the midst of the ritual, I found myself confronted with a troubling reality.

I was particularly unsettled by the patriarchy and LGBTQ+ hate that I witnessed.

A small argument in the kitchen over something minor boiled over between our gay friend and one of our boy relatives.

The argument? He wanted to prove he was a man. Rage in his eyes, baying for his blood, while another hurled insults, even pulling out a knife.

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The young men are not even in their mid-twenties.

The next morning, an older relative mocked in disgust at the sight of Lolo, muttering “someone” should “deal with him” so that he wouldn’t be around any more.

When I called him to order, his response was a dismissive shrug and the words: “We are men. We are not accustomed to these things.”

Before they even knew what had transpired and assess the situation with reason, they had chosen a side –solely because the instigator was an uyindoda, a “man”.

This isn’t an isolated incident but a symptom of a much larger system, one that has bred boys into men who think because they have undergone ulwaluko, the sacred Xhosa initiation process, they can get away with anything.

A cousin told me: “Men dominate. That’s just the way it is. We’re born into it.”

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That’s the problem right there.

Ulwaluko, the transition from boyhood to manhood, is meant to instil dignity, respect and responsibility. But somewhere along the way, the teachings have been corrupted.

I had a long discussion with my uncle about whether the teaching had changed. He agreed, but emphasised respect for elders and women was central to the tradition.

Ulwaluko was never meant to produce men who terrorise their communities. The teachings are supposed to groom and mould them into protectors of their families.

He said mentors had failed. Others have twisted the lessons and even elements of prison culture have seeped into the process.

Instead of producing responsible men, ulwaluko is seemingly doing the opposite, breeding uncontrollable violent individuals.

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While there, we learnt that our relative, barely in his twenties, had beaten an aunt because she had refused to give him money. Out of frustration, we asked: “What are they being taught in there? Because they come out worse.”

Now, ubu ndoda, or the term ndiyi ndoda, or “I am a man” – is used so loosely that it is no longer a statement of dignity, but an excuse. It is used to justify violence, recklessness and entitlement.

Another uncle argued that the problem wasn’t with the practice, but growing challenges. At the end of last year, Congress of Traditional Leaders of SA called for a temporary suspension of initiation schools in three regions of the Eastern Cape, citing the rising number of deaths.

But what it failed to recognise was that the crisis goes beyond safety. We should also zoom into what these young men are being taught –or not taught – about manhood.

The core values and principles of the tradition must be restored.

Ulwaluko no bu doda should not be diluted, or misused, as a shield for violence.

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