After lockdown, we all will have to learn to adapt to the world outside again. Picture: iStock
How bad has your driving become during lockdown?
Mine is frankly shocking these days. And it was never much good to begin with.
I have been arrested, written off cars, got T-boned in a Jeffreys Bay intersection… and I can confidently say that my driving has never been as bad as it is at the moment.
From the time last year when my trusty Suzuki began gathering dust, my automotive mindset has similarly decayed. Now, when we seem to be expected to return to society, even to commute to work again, I find I have the driving ability of a mole.
I absent-mindedly drift across lanes, I forget which gear I’m in, I drive 65 kays an hour on the highway, and the other day I squidged my door horrifically against a pole while reversing out of a parking.
It’s a nightmare that will cost me thousands, unless I start to bloody well concentrate better. My motoring limitations have also forced me to consider my broader skill set. As we begin to open up society after the death, isolation and weirdness of the pandemic, what will I have to relearn? What can I still do? What skills can I confidently abandon?
Driving will probably need an upgrade. Another boost will likely be necessary in aesthetics and styling. My wardrobe selection needs to move beyond slippers and underpants. I can probably shave more than once a month. The daily shower regime should be more strictly enforced.
Just the other day, I made eye contact with myself in the mirror for the first time in a while, and I was not particularly impressed. A bit of moisturiser will not go amiss, especially considering that people will have to look at this face now. It feels almost as if my face has become raw, from a lack of eyeballs scanning across it for so long.
The principles of personal hygiene are adjacent to the idea of being considerate. Until now, that has meant avoiding all other people, or masking up and shouting across a two-metre chasm for fear that we infect each other with deadly viruses.
Now, when we congregate, I’m having to relearn concepts such as not burping, speaking in turns, and not randomly doing a downward-facing dog because my back feels stiff.
My ability to interact physically with people is another skill that is all over the map. At a recent “back to the office” day, I seemed to have utterly forgotten how to greet people in a reasonable way. A full-body hug? Fist bump? Handshake? Stand two metres apart and kind of shout at each other? I did all of these with various people, and the end result was like the beginning of Survivor, when the contestants meet for the first time.
Another forgotten art is paying attention to people while looking into their faces. I have become accustomed to idly browsing my phone while attending a virtual Teams meeting.
It strikes me that this is not polite when meeting in person. Eye contact, as I recall, helps us build a connection with our fellow humans.
It is a bit intense though, like you’re looking into their soul, and they into yours. Eye contact feels like a type of eyeball sex, if the most intimate thing you’ve done since March last year is soaping your crotch once a month.
After 18 months of Netflix being my main source of adult interaction, I am highly reluctant to let go of the rich partnerships I have built with the main women in my life. These are, of course, Rory and Lorelai of Gilmore Girls; Beth, Annie and Ruby of Good Girls; and Wendy and Puleng from Blood & Water.
However, now that we are allowed to meet physically, there may be room in my life for a physical being who actually exists – as long as I remember to fist bump, make eye contact, and not be wearing underpants all the time!
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