Recreation of events at a secret room in IEC results operations centre

The following is a recreation of events at a secret room in the IEC results operations centre (ROC) in Tshwane after the local government election result. It is based on audio recordings provided to us by an informant, who goes by the pseudonym Roderick Edward Turnbull, but he (or she) prefers to use the handle RET… There is the sound of bottles being opened, corks being popped and what RET has identified as shoes being kicked off.

There is also much laughter and people greeting each other. “Juju, please check that the doors are closed. We don’t want any journalists listening or sneaking in. This gathering never happened… “Comrade Cyril, I checked that the security is manning the doors. Now please pass the bottle of Blue Label…”

There follows the delicious glug-glug-glug sounds of expensive Scotch whisky being decanted and the clink of ice cubes. “Actually, when you think of it, the Blue Label should be the drink of my party…” comes a woman’s voice which has timbre only decades of maturity can bring. “Ha, ha, ha, Helen, very good” comes another male voice, “you were always very funny and it was difficult to pretend I was so mad when I supposedly left the party…”

ALSO READ: Zuma: ‘I would have convinced voters not to punish the ANC’

Then another man’s voice chips in: “Herman, your party is green, so you should be drinking crème de menthe liqueur…” There is a guffaw and the man is addressed as Herman speaks: “Eish, Johnnie! You know I can’t do that for two reasons. One, I don’t like peppermint and two, ActionSA doesn’t like anything foreign!”

An angry voice follows: “Don’t call me Johnnie.

What’s what some okes at school in Durbs used to call a condom. “And I don’t want to end up used and tossed Monday 8 November 2021 10 away like one of those…” Cyril speaks: “Hey, everyone, just chill. I know it’s not easy to just drop our different acts, but come on man… don’t rock the boat. We’ve got too much of a good thing going on…” He adds: “I wouldn’t worry about reporters, though. They’re too busy trying to understand the difference between percentage and percentage point!”

Another, more excitable, voice: “Chief, I have been doing all the tweeting but people just call me a clown. I know it’s all fake, but I take it personally.” Cyril: “Never mind, bozo… err, sorry Mbaks. Now the elections are behind us you can go ahead with e-tolls – and put up the charges too!” Juju interjects: “Charges remind me of the VBS thing… But I fought this election for land and jobs, so I need to know, Comrade Cyril, whether the wine farm has been put in my name by the Ruperts yet… and also that Floyd and the Ice Boy are on the payroll because they still have plenty of repayments on their Range Rovers…”

Helen answers: “Juju, don’t worry, Cyril and I sorted it out when we were in Stellenbosch and everyone thought we were on the campaign trail…” Cyril, again: “To business quickly, before we drink. So everyone is clear: We are having confidential discussions about coalitions. “We must make a few outrageous statements so the voters don’t guess what’s really happening…” Johnnie (sorry, John): “Comrade Pres, please follow up with my honorary degree…” Herman: “Ladies and gentlemen, comrades and friends, let us drink a toast to the voters of South Africa… “May they always be as gullible as they have been since 1994.” Sounds of hear! Hear! Hear! around the room.