Rakgadis subjugate SA wives

We cannot discuss rakgadis (paternal aunts/matriarchs) without talking about the lack of empathy and love for the brother’s children and their hatred of the woman whose only fault lies in being the one who came in, a choice of their brother.

I experienced rakgadi growing up, then I married… When one of my father’s siblings died – the main rakgadi – so did the unspoken tension and the bitterness that filled the air whenever she arrived.

I did not cry when she died – why would I? My love for Mama meant I stood with her. So, too, did Papa. This unnecessary feud made me determined I would never be ill-treated. For many years I have believed women often abuse women. This is no truer than in a marriage.

One example is the wife having to mourn with reserve, worried about whether she will be “allowed” to remain in her home … one she created through struggles, blood, sweat and tears. To this day, I refer to my parental home as “my mother’s house”. My father may have been the higher income earner, but my mother was more present.

Today, not only the house but her children stand because she gave us the solace we needed as we grew.

For all my feisty behaviour, I once experienced a rakgadi episode. I asked myself, did they not love my son enough to question their behaviour towards me? Half me, half their brother – Amohelang is made whole by two. I had to take a stand – not to show my might but to secure my child’s peace of mind. If I hadn’t drawn a line, he would have grown up having to pick sides.

The struggle of married black women in SA is a crying shame. In-laws are abusive by nature, but rakgadis are almost abuse on steroids because their form of maltreatment is not laced in fists and swollen lips, black eyes or shattered ribs. It is an insidious abuse that leaves one cold to the bones. And the perpetrators are women subjugating women.

It’s time for our brothers to protect their significant others from their families.

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