Politicians are born actors

Politicians are born actors. They can lie with a straight face before audiences, playing the part of unselfish, caring and loving humans. With practised lines and facial expression fool the gullible onlookers. Even turning on the tears and nasal mucus when required poses no problem for the seasoned politico.

Given these natural talents, parliamentarians, instead of fingering the tender process to supplement their meagre salaries (I mean, how could you expected them to live comfortably with less than R2 million annually?) they should moonlight as actors. They’ll be instant hits.

Had I possessed the writing skills of some of our columnists, I would’ve written a script for a pantomime starring a handpicked cast of politicians. I reckon I’ll be good at typecasting as I’ve studied the antics of our dishonourable representatives for years.

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I’m familiar with their actions on and off the stage, sorry, benches. They’re at their best when holding what they call media conferences. They lie and deceive naturally. They’re unconcerned about the media seeing through their antics, because they have the independent tabloids fakefully spreading their untruths.

With Christmas around the corner, I’ll get on with selecting my players. But first I need to contact Janice Honeyman to direct Carry on Cinderliar. My cast: Lindiwe Sisulu as Cindeliar; Cyril Ramaphosa, the prince; Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma, Lindiwe Zulu & Angie Motshekga, ugly sisters; Bheki Cele, coach driver; Nathi Mthethwa, Gwede Mantashe and Fikile Mbalula, coach horses.

Sticking to the original storyline, the coach driver and horses turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. If only it happens in real life. The prince (president), Cinderliar (ANC) and golden slipper (hidden dollars) are also symbiotic. Think about it.

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With such a magnificent cast, the script is a doddle for our writers. Despite having just a few weeks to deadline and not much time for rehearsals, these actors don’t need much directing. They must simply perform the way they do during parliamentary sittings. And thanks to my good casting, they look the part. Watch the billboards.