Please put politicians on truth pill

Most politicians are pathological liars. It comes with the murky territory.

Now it’s rumoured scientists have created a “truth pill” which spots any lies, blots them out, allowing only truths to surface in the brain.

According to a leaked document, the basic ingredients are a bat’s testicles. Not unlike meat improving with hanging, the bat’s balls become malleable and easy to work with the longer it dangles. Scientists are sure to be looking for recognised liars for testing the testicular fusion. Easy.

Target the Zondo Commission witnesses. And there’s the Umkhonto equivocator, if he’s not falling on his
own spear. Imagine future interviews with politicians on the pill … starting with President Cyril Ramaphosa.

“Were you aware of the goings-on of Jacob Zuma while president? You were his deputy.”
Before the pill (BTP): “Not at all.

As deputy I was kept too busy, so checking on the malfunctions of the president and his clique was not my call. I only found out about state capture belatedly.”

After the pill (ATP): “Of course, I was fully aware, but I decided giving him enough rope, figuring the law would do the dirty.” How about Julius Malema? “Have you established a trust in which you hide funny money?”

BTP: “What trust? What funny money? Listen here, you bloody agent, Don’t come here with white capitalistic accusations. I’m leaving now to assist my poor voters.”

ATP: “Yes, I have a trust in which I keep money made from this and that. I now own a smart house, limo and cupboards full of haute couture and Glenfiddich 50 – thanks to my trust’s moola. Sorry, must go. I’m off to my new home for a roof-wetting with my deputy and SA’s own Floyd Patterson. He’s doing OK. Same trust.”

Then there’s good old Ace in the Hole.

“Were you involved in the asbestos scandal? You were the premier.”
BTP: “I did nothing wrong.”
ATP: “I was involved. I was the premier and shared the loot with my fellows. I had many family financial commitments.”

The first roll-out starts with parliamentarians. Next in line are forked-tongued hacks, like self-indulgent columnists churning out fake facts and figures.

Cliff Buchler.

For more news your way, download The Citizen’s app for iOS and Android.