Fracking Gwede turns to Zuma for help

If I had been the innocent defendant in the Zondo state capture inquiry, I would’ve recruited the best attorneys in the country and sued the pants off all those who gave false evidence.

It would surely get me the front page. But, on the other hand, if I am guilty of playing ball with the Guptas, I’ll immediately turn for help to the architect of state capture, Houdini of the courts and bosom pal of Schabir “Lazarus” Shaik.

A dexterous duet of note. All it takes is a phone call to Nkandla. And it’s not unfeasible that given the current exposure of the latest report, that Gwede Mantashe makes use of this political effective help line.

“Hello, Jacob. I know you’re a busy man, what with dodging the courts and jail time, but I also desperately need help.

“After all, it was you who promised an easy and safe way into the Watson-Bosasa safe, then the invisible cash loaded into car boots and women’s handbags. But you didn’t take into account the whistle-blower armed with a camera, did you? You also assured us that judge Zondo was a soft touch because you appointed him. But I’m screwed.”

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A typical answer from the illusionist.

“Hey, comrade, you’re overreacting. Your preoccupation with fracking gas is freaking you out. Heh-heh, fracking and freaking, clever, eh? Listen to me. Whisper to Dali Mpofu who’ll judiciously steer you through the courts with his discombobulating narrative and sing-song voice that put judges and television viewers to sleep. And don’t make a musical CD. My indodana got it wrong”.

Gwede persists.

“But Jacob, I don’t have your presidential influence.”

“Listen, comrade, simply get on with your environmental garbage and leave legal matters to Dali. And get hold of Schabir. He’ll take you through the medical procedure to keep you freed.

“Oh, and give Carl Niehaus a wide berth. Unless you plan faking death, that is. He’ll do the paperwork.”

A last attempt from Gwede.

“How about another tea party?”

“No way, isiphukuphuku! It would be fodder for the media. Sorry, comrade, must ring off. Need to have my nap after a gruelling week in Maritzburg. And I’ve got to get up early for the Guptas’ morning call. I must warn them Interpol is snapping at their heels.”