All I want for Christmas

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Exactly 10 days before the 25th of December and I finally have a Christmas wish list.

I think the list is practical and definitely possible, as I have tried throughout the year to be a good boy. (Wink, wink, Santa.)

  1. I would like Honourable Clause to bless me with an accent like that of someone who spent a few years in exile, as my current East Rand way of speaking is diminishing any chances I have of getting a tender or two. I hope that under our Christmas tree, there will be the latest paperback of “The Comrades Guide to interpolation, vocalisation and so on and so forth…”
  2. I would like to receive a gift of giving to the wonderful people of Johannesburg, who have to put up with what I call visual litter. These are the hundreds of posters promising to “increase penis size”, but each time I try and contact those responsible, the number is always engaged. So if Santa can give me a direct line so I can directly call to reprimand them that would be a great gift for me.
  3. I have never understood the value of someone’s autograph, as I see it as just another signature, so if Oom Clause can gift me with understanding that phenomenon, I would greatly appreciate it. As a journalist, I get to interact with some celebrities and other so-called significant people, so each time I come empty-handed without a selfie or autograph, I get weird looks.
  4. I would really appreciate being a fly, or a mosquito or any other insect, just for four days, as that seems to be the norm these days. This is so I can sit in on important meetings so I can try and understand how decisions that affect all South Africans are made.
  5. When I was a youngster in the township, we used to call him “Christmas Father”, before we were introduced to Caucasian schoolmates who quickly corrected us. Christmas Father, if you really do exist, please remove all irritations in my life, as part of my wish list. This includes tele-marketers who continue reading a script to me, even after I have told them four times that I am not interested in a cell-phone contract.

Next year, great authors will pen impressive manuscripts, political icons will continue bickering, but for me, if you can just organise that I come up with a life-changing hashtag in 2016, I would be your greatest supporter ever.

today in print

today in print