Mission Impossible: Smoke Protocol

Nowadays something as simple as buying a pack of cigarettes requires skills in the arts of disguise, getaway car driving, and deception, but it is definitely worth that after-action satisfaction.

Picture iStock

Isn’t it wonderful how uplifting a sense of achievement can be?

Any task completed successfully – and against the odds – increases one’s sense of self-worth, boosting confidence and elevating esteem among one’s peers. If you want to witness this first-hand, keep a close eye on your friends or colleagues who are still merrily puffing away during this lockdown.

Chances are they are involved in some illicit, uplifting cigarette trading.

The deal is usually preceded by a period in which the smoker builds up the necessary courage. As the nicotine level drops, desperation converts panic into courage, which ultimately leads to the decision to – dare I say it – do something illegal.

Gasp!

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The first stage in the execution of the plan usually involves some sort of disguise. I have absolutely no idea why, because all characters in this plot know each other. The disguise often involves a
scarf doubling up as a mask (yes,you’ve seen it too many times in the movies), sunglasses, perhaps a hat and, of course, having the correct amount of money at the ready to make the transaction as
short as possible.

Then you will be commandeered to tag along – either for moral support, or alternatively to drive the getaway car.

By the way, if you are the driver, you will probably be told to keep the car running. Don’t. The only people who keep their vehicles running outside a dodgy little superette/cafe are people whose
cars won’t start again without a push, or people who plan on robbing the said superette.

After the deal has been struck, the smoker will emerge victorious.

Yes, it will be very evident that success was achieved and even though you will both now feel an urge to speed away from the scene, don’t.

Just relax and you’ll be fine.

Yip, the thrill of buying a packet of 20s is even better than smoking them. So, if you want to taste adventure, buy a pack, but for goodness sake don’t smoke them. Those things can kill you.