Bring on the new MP clowns

The National Assembly. FILE PHOTO: Chantall Presence / ANA

The National Assembly. FILE PHOTO: Chantall Presence / ANA

Unlike your conventional comedian who fluffs it deliberately to raise a laugh, the MP goon is serious – making it really funny.

You’d probably brand me a sadist as I enjoy seeing others make fools of themselves.

That’s probably why I religiously watch parliamentary sessions locally and from Britain. They’re entertainment personified with a cast of cartoon characters.

Members keep fluffing it, and unlike your conventional comedian who does it deliberately to raise a laugh, the MP goon is serious – making it really funny.

In the UK, pomposity is an addition. There’s nothing more hilarious than having a stiff upper lip sprouting a load of twaddle. At least our folk don’t possess the pretentious Brits’ airs and graces. We’re just boring.

And the difference between the speakers is striking. Whereas unsmiling Baleka Mbete has a limited vocabulary, John Bercow possesses a storehouse of gesegdes aimed at MPs. He not only shouts an elongated “orrddderr!” but follows up with Dickensian utterances related to the subject.

A columnist in the UK illustrates Berkow’s linguistic talent thus: Discourtesy is rank, delinquents are incorrigible, tones are mellifluous, speculation is idle and a point is so blindingly obvious that only a clever person could fail to grasp it.

See? I’ve not only learnt new words from the Bercow lexicon, but have a better grasp of the meaning of others.

Love or hate him, the man is a word wizard.

Imagine if he’s let loose in our parliament? He’ll soon attack the ravings of Juju with, “Julius, my dishonourable fellow, calm yourself with skokiaan, take up yoga for restraint and patience in order to become a Mandela-like statesman”.

In the event of MPs getting out of hand, he’ll follow his barking “orrderrr” with something like, “Look at you, instead of statesmanship you are auditioning and undertaking an apprenticeship to become qualified hooded yobs”.

Our Mbete should study a bit of the Brits, if only to increase her vocab and to smile a tad more. “I don’t recognise you, honourable member,” is not enough to control the ignoramuses.

Who knows, the outcome of our elections might usher in a Bercow-brand speaker.

How about eNCA’s cheeky Thulasizwe Simelane in the role? Anyone who can take on Aunty Jesse Duarte is a good candidate. And he knows his politics.

Cliff Buchler.

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