To: Owen Farrell
C/o: England Rugby Football Union
Honorary membership of Untouchables Club South Africa
Dear Mr Farrell
We hope that you receive this communication in the spirit it is intended and also because you must have fond memories of South Africa, and especially one of our citizens, Jaco Peyper.
This is an exclusive, and discreet, club – duly constituted by The Illuminati – which has very few members. It was set up on the recommendation of an English firm, Bell Pottinger, some years ago to acknowledge those who, by virtue of blackmail, blind support or sheer thick skins, remain far beyond those consequences of bad behaviour which bedevil ordinary people.
Our founder members include many of those close to our shockingly badly treated former President Jacob Zuma, including me – my name is Dudu Myeni, by the way – and my comrades, Bathabile Dlamini and Nomvula Mokonyane.
All that needs to concern you is that all of us meet and hugely exceed the requirements for membership of this club. We have tried to influence contracts at our state airline, messed up the Lesotho Highland Water scheme with our meddling, allowed sewage to choke one of our country’s major river systems and have even lied under oath to a court. Yet, nothing has happened to any of us.
On the contrary, Comrade Mokonyane, she who helped cause one of the biggest environmental disasters in the history of our country, has been rewarded with another ministerial post. As minister of the environment. No, we are not making this up.
Yet, even by our stellar standards, your track record in this month of November makes you a logical, and instant, nominee for our club.
Our rugby advisers – we are not fans of that game played with strange balls – say that the fact that nothing happened to you on Saturday, after your blatant, “no arms” shoulder charge on Australian lock Izack Rodda, during the match at Twickenham, means you are truly “Untouchable”.
There is a possibility that Jaco was still cringing with embarrassment from his appearance in the Outsurance TV commercial at half time, but the fact he didn’t give you a yellow card and send you to the “sin bin” for 10 minutes, never mind award the Aussies a penalty try, is stunning.
What confirms your “Untouchable” status, though, is that fact that you did it before, against us (the Springboks) two weeks earlier. Only Stevie Wonder (and Angus Gardner, it seems) would not have given you a yellow for that no-arms assault on Andre Esterhuizen.
What you can teach us, though, is how to get the media to support you. Our filthy journos here are all in the pockets of White Monopoly Capital, so we never get treated fairly.
We noticed, though, that your English commentators are true patriots. When you shoulder-charged Rodda, they cooed soothingly that you were “off balance” and that “there was nothing he (that is you) could do”.
We would also appreciate some advice from you: How do you maintain that look of innocence? Even when your misdemeanours were obvious, you looked like a blond angel, the sort you want to pat on the head as you say “No way, this person couldn’t possibly do something like that!”
Please do not publicise this widely. Just know that we know – you’re truly one of us…
Yours in impregnability,