Online dating shows romance is truly gone forever

If there is such a thing as love, the internet is certainly not the place to look for it.

A month ago, I downloaded Tinder – first mistake. I also downloaded the Afrikaans version, Koer – second mistake. I am at a weird age where half of the people my age were either happily married and living the white picket fence life, or divorced and going through tough times.

To find a nice stable single person in South Africa seemed impossible.

When I signed up for Tinder, I didn’t realise quite how dirty and disgusting dating has become – even 50 Shades of Grey wannabes with funny ideas involving butt plugs. In my defence, I initially misunderstood it as bath plugs due to my Afrikaans upbringing. Silly me.

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I also met the Wish version of one of the members of Scooby Doo – not the handsome blonde Fred, but a Mzansi-style Shaggy.

I can honestly say the Afrikaans version of Tinder was no better. The only difference was most of the men on Koer listened to boere musiek, liked to fish, watch rugby and braai.

One thing that stood out was the audacity of some on the sites who did not blush to ask if you were interested in joining a threesome or swinger party. What has happened to the world?

My favourite failed date happened on Valentine’s Day, when I met a Tinder prospect for a coffee after work. Besides being disappointed by not getting a Valentine’s gift, Shaggy arrived with torn shoes, dirty denims and mad scientist hair. His hands and nails were covered in the soil as if he had just crawled out of some rabbit hole.

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This was by far the most bizarre coffee date I had gone to and it took a lot of self-discipline not to burst out laughing in his face. I was catfished. I have matched with everything from a doctor to a detective and a farmer, who quickly blocked me when he realised I was the journalist featured on Devilsdorp.

The worst were the requests for naughty pictures, with my favourite a guy who asked me for a naughty photo with my friend who was visiting. He asked me what I was up to and when I told him I have a friend over for coffee, he thought it was a good time to ask for a sexy photo. I blocked him and every other guy with similar requests.

Mr 50 Shades of Grey on Tinder was a bit concerning. He didn’t want to chat to get to know me better, but instead wanted to plan a secret rendezvous at a hotel of my choice where he wanted all sorts of kinky things from me, including the butt plugs. This seemed dangerous in a country like South Africa. I blocked him too.

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A friend of mine joined the dating scene three years ago and has gone on over 30 dates. One of the guys she met online sent her a WhatsApp with a rand amount he needed to stock his empty grocery cupboards.

She went on a date with a man who complained incessantly about where to sit in the restaurant and had to move to three different tables before he was satisfied. The other had an allergic reaction to the booze or the food and she had to babysit him until he felt well enough to drive himself home.

There was also the creepy 50-something who borrowed money from his elderly mother to go out on the date. Block. I think it’s safe to say that neither of us has found true love as yet. No thank you. Next…

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