New Year’s resolutions: ANC comrades’ plans go busty

Ahead of the arrival of a New Year at midnight, The Citizen has obtained, via a confidential source at Luthuli House, some of the Comrades’ 2022 resolutions.

Fikile Mbalula (Transport Minister): I will pay my own e-tolls. I will sign up for Logic Lessons (the long course) so that I make more sense when I tweet. I was going to ride in a Prasa train myself – but a) none are running and b) a surgeon does not have to be shot to stitch up a bullet wound. I will make more effort to match my West African dashiki with my hand-made Spanish leather shoes.

Lindiwe Sisulu (Tourism Minister): To ensure equality and prosperity for women, I will introduce the Pretty Gloves Act, which will distribute mauve elbow-length gloves (modelled on mine and for which I will take a reduced royalty fee) to female grant recipients. I will wear sensible shoes, not high heels, when I visit uBaba at Nkandla…that cattle grid at the entrance is too dangerous…

Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams (Minister of Small Business Development): To show that growing a business is as simple as improving your bust, I will wear even tighter bustiers whenever a camera is present. To show these off better, I will wear deeper plunging necklines.

Pravin Gordhan (Minister of Public Enterprises): My 2022 resolution is to find colleagues and journalists who are actually on my intellectual level, because they are all so useless and ignorant.

Gwede Mantashe (Minister of Mineral and Energy Resources): I will round up the bunny huggers and put them on one of my Karpowerships and drop them in the middle of the Shell seismic survey. I will also buy an even bigger supercharged Range Rover on my ministerial car allowance to emphasise that the future has to be fossil fuels.

Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma (Minister of Cooperative Governance and Traditional Affairs): My 2022 resolution, Comrades, is to ban this silliness of New Year’s resolutions. I will do this under the National State of Disaster because it is scientifically proven that such idiocy greatly assists the spread of Covid.

Zweli Mkhize (former minister of health): I will consult for a public relations company in KwaZulu-Natal called Analogue Feelings and will use my son’s Toyota Land-Cruiser to conduct a campaign to clear my name. Comrades who supported me will get special discounts at my daughter-in-law’s beauty salon.

Thandi Modise (Minister of Defence): I will expand the fraternal relationship with Cuba and my ministry will pay for Cuban animal nutrition experts to start a project which will initially be located on my farm. We will also get a shipment of 60 000 surplus uniforms from Havana. They are all small and from the Sierra Madre campaign in 1959, but I am assured they will meet our needs.

David Mabuza (Deputy President): I have secured a contract to import Stolichnaya vodka from my comrades in the Kremlin. We will undercut Solly Kramer’s and Tops Liquors by at least 30% and the profits will go direct to the party. Comrade Gwede and I aim to be awarded the Hero of Russia star for our services to Moscow in trade and nuclear affairs.

President Cyril Ramaphosa: I will continue to preach transparency but will, Comrades, protect all of the thieves in our organisation. In the interests of transparency, none of these resolutions must be leaked to the press.