Nemla Act is complete nonsense

Dear SA Hunters and Game Conservation Association, well done on challenging the liberal pantywaists in government on their anti-human National Environmental Management Laws Amendment Act (Nemla).

There was a perfectly decent law in place since 2022 and I don’t know why they had to fanny about with it.

Now they want to give animals all sorts of rights. There’s a reason we didn’t want them on our beaches or living in our suburbs and going to our schools.

Oops. No, that was something else.

The amendment now calls them “animals” instead of a “faunal biological resource” which, as you know, made it far more acceptable to shoot them in the face at close range.

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Any red-blooded patriot would support your efforts to get the Constitutional Court to scrap the inclusion in Nemla of the word “well-being” in relation to the dumb beasts wandering freely in our reserves.

Our hippo-hugging lawmakers, who are clearly afflicted with a bad case of zoophilia, define well-being as “the holistic circumstances and conditions of an animal, which are conducive to its physical, physiological and mental health and quality of life, including the ability to cope with its environment”.

This is nothing more than dangerous left-wing propaganda aimed at getting us to believe that it’s somehow wrong to shoot animals in the back from 500m away or carve them up for biltong.

If word had to get out in the animal kingdom – and make no mistake, it is a monarchy ruled by the unelected Lion King – that we are concerned about their quality of life, they would become insufferable.

Elephants would start feigning mental health issues to avoid being culled or hunted so that their heads might adorn someone’s lounge wall.

There was a time when animals were grateful to have their heads on display.

They’d line up for the privilege of becoming immortalised as trophies.

Now, with the new amendment, they’d be calling meetings to complain about their basic rights being violated.

There’d be wildebeest in therapy and mongooses on anti-depressants.

Next thing you know, there are unions for giraffes and rhinos on strike and then we might as well hand them the keys and move to Australia.

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Barbara Creecy started this nonsense when she was environment minister.

No wonder Cyril moved her to transport. It’s only a matter of time before she starts anthropomorphising the trains and taxis, giving them names and insisting that they also have feelings and should be treated with sensitivity.

Your application runs to almost 12 000 words. A valiant effort to basically challenge a single word: well-being.

Given what’s at stake, I don’t think it’s enough. I think you should have put more effort into it, quite frankly.

TS Eliot’s The Waste Land runs longer than that.

I’ve never read it because I don’t understand poetry, but if you can’t keep up with an incomprehensible English neoclassicist, your cause is doomed. Humanity is doomed.

Your efforts hinge on the state’s failure to “facilitate sufficient public engagement” in the crafting of this heinous amendment to a law that shouldn’t even exist.

If this were a civilised country, there would be only one law stating that all animals are fair game and may be shot, dissected, sold or devoured raw or cooked wheresoever one may choose.

A law that says every cloven-hoofed, cud-chewing, grass-munching, meat-eating beast and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be deemed to exist solely to provide food, cheap labour or entertainment for us, their rightful lords and masters.

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I find it monstrously sad that our bestial government would rather appease the non-verbal edibles and collectibles than make sure we’re not getting slaughtered for our cellphones.

To make matters worse, our heads don’t even end up on our killers’ lounge walls. At least the big 5 die for a good reason.

You should know that public engagement in this country only exists for a month before elections.

Why would they consult the peasants about a law governing the well-being and mental health of animals when they make such an obvious point of not caring about the well-being and mental health of the peasants themselves?

That’s asking for trouble. They were trying to slip it past us, man. Under cover of democracy or whatever. Good thing you spotted it.

You said the amendment could affect things like the keeping of fish in an aquarium, the ploughing of fields to protect animal life, and the cohabitation of predators and prey in the same reserve.

When a reporter asked you for clarity on this, your CEO Fred Camphor said the association did not want to comment.

I should think so. Trying to explain these mental contortions could lead to an animal-loving judge breaking out the straitjackets.

The cohabitation of predators and prey in particular is something we’d want to avoid.

It’s a slippery slope. Once the leopards and baboons start hanging out together, who knows where it will end?

Crocodiles cavorting with impala? Cheetahs playing chess with warthogs?

Anyway. I’ll be watching the court case. With any luck, you’ll get judges who love to hunt.

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