Mzansi is a movie: JMPD’s new lucrative ‘Operation G-String’ to raise money

Cash-strapped Johannesburg Metro Police plans to use speeding cameras to raise funds for underpaid traffic cops.

The plan, titled ‘Operation G-String’, is based on a complete departure from traffic control to solely focusing on ways to increase fines on unsuspecting motorists and essentially legitimising the bribe trade.

Operation G-String

Operation G-String involves hiding more traffic officials behind roadside bushes, armed with state-of-the-art speeding cameras.

JMPD boss Thulani Khanyile said he got the inspiration for the new operation while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial.

“The G-string is such an underrated underwear garment. G-strings don’t use as much fabric as spanks yet they can cost more and they don’t offer much coverage for the main goods,” Khanyile explained.

“Just like a G-string all we need is a line. Most motorists cross the trap line at higher speeds and only slow down after seeing the officer behind the camera, poorly concealed in the road side shrubbery. But by then, we have already clocked the drivers speed.”

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The city plans to invest heavily in new speeding cameras and it’s expecting a 400% return on investment within the first month.

“Operation G-String will be very successful because motorists won’t know we are there until it’s too late. Then, when we flag them down, we will offer them a chance to settle the speeding fine in person or pay it online with the rest of the fines,” explained Khanyile.

Khanyile said officers have already been deployed to all roads where the speed limit is 60-80 km per hour, and future phases of Operation G-String will involve eventually dropping speed on all roads to 60 km per hour.

“Those ones that are doing 80km/h and higher in a 60km/h zone are quite lucrative. We levy a R100 fine for every kilometre over the speed limit.”

The new operation is said to be using up all of JMPD’s resources which is why trained traffic control officers are nowhere to be seen on congested roads during peak travel hours and load shedding.

The new deployment, however, would mean that JMPD can unofficially hand over directing traffic during load shedding to beggars and Outsurance pointsmen.

“But we are never far off, there will always be an officer waiting patiently behind the bushes just as motorists gain momentum in their journeys. We know they like to speed after getting delayed behind the high volumes of traffic.”

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Legalising bribes

Khanyile said Metro cops had been unfairly labelled as corrupt for offering motorists a chance to settle their normally exorbitant fines on the spot, sometimes just for a measly buddy coke.

“When we pull motorists over we are performing a public service and our duty. Vehicles must be compliant and roadworthy even though the roads are not,” insisted City of Joburg MMC for public safety David Tembe.

“In South Africa, we drive on the left side of the road, but here in Joburg, we drive on what is left of the road,” he added.

Tembe explained that money generated in roadside bribes not only supplemented traffic officers meagre earnings but was unfairly criminalised like dagga.

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“We have been offering motorists a discount on fines if they can settle the debt in cash on the spot. It’s a symbiotic relationship for transgressing motorists who cannot afford the official fines.”

Now, motorists will be issued cash receipts for their fines as part of legitimising the operations.

Although, JMPD insiders have revealed not everyone is happy to go legal.

“Sars will eventually want their cut if we are now issuing cash receipts, which will prevent us from earning what is due to us.”

*This story is based on real events some of which has been fictionalised for satirical purposes.
*Sponsored by White Monopoly Capital and Things-mainstream-media-won’t cover.

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