My McDonald’s conspiracy theory

Write my name in the stars and pan the spotlight in my direction because I’m going to be famous. I have just created my own, unique, totally provable conspiracy theory.

Of course, I do trust that it will go viral, like all totally provable conspiracy theories.

My theory is that the brains trust behind the fast-food chain, McDonald’s, is masterminding South Africa’s lockdown rules in order to ensure their total domination of the local fast-food and restaurant industry!

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Go ahead, laugh. In these trying times, a bit of humour is always welcome to relieve the tension. But, please read on, because I’m sure that by the end of this column I, too, will be able to finish off with every modern-day conspiracy theorist’s go-to line: “Let that sink in for a minute.”

It all started five years ago when Daddy Cyril, then the owner of all the McDonald’s outlets in South Africa, sold his burger empire to none other than one of his billionaire buddies in … the United Arab Emirates (UAE). Gasp!

Where is the laughter now? Well, while Cyril has gone on to become the current paternal head of our extended family, the UAE is playing host to none other than … our friends the Guptas! Holy macaroni, you say. Yes, the picture is starting to take shape, but hold your horses.

As a country, we are back in level stay-at-home lockdown and, lo and behold, every economic activity is allowed to continue and prosper, apart from restaurants. But what is the one exception? Takeaways and deliveries.

So, while locally owned family restaurants have the life slowly squeezed from them under the guise of flattening the curve, the buddies in Dubai are shipping bucketloads of our money out to their desert paradise.

Seems like a trick we are being caught with time and time again. As for the “let that sink in” moment, the details of the deal between Cyril and his Dubai besties were never made public because it was a private equity deal.

Getting that sinking feeling yet? And that’s how you start a conspiracy theory