Murderers, pick up your game – South Africa’s rating is a crime

Once again, South Africa is slipping in the world rankings. It’s very disappointing. We have fallen to fifth position on the crime rate by country list.

Four years ago, we were sitting at a respectable third, hot on the heels of Papua New Guinea and within stabbing distance of Venezuela.

On Monday, the police minister – who got his grounding in maintaining law and order as a teacher at government schools – released the crime stats for July to September, revealing a worrying drop of 5.8% in the murder rate in just three months.

What’s going on here? Are victims fighting back? It seems unlikely.

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South Africans have been getting themselves murdered at an impressive rate – more than half a million since democracy ushered in a new era of peace and stability – and there’s no evidence to suggest they have learnt how to ward off those with murderous intent.

This suggests that our countrymen could be losing interest in the ancient art of slaughtering their fellow humans.

Times are hard, and not everyone can afford a gun as well as bullets.

Then there is the question of fitness. Bludgeoning can be hard work and it’s not always worth raising a sweat or risking a pulled muscle for anything less than an iPhone 16.

However, there was a 2.2% rise in attempted murder, which means the trainee butchers in the informal sector are at least working on upgrading their skills. Keep going, lads. Don’t give up now.

The important thing is that you keep trying. And while our homicidal maniacs might be saving their energy for the Christmas rush, robbers who are aggravated by circumstances like poverty, too much nyaope and so on, had a bumper three months, pushing up their rate by a laudable 8.8%.

As Shakespeare wrote: “The robb’d that smiles, steals something from the thief; He robs himself that spends a bootless grief.”

No, I don’t know what that means, either. The Bard smoked a lot of weed and much of his work is incomprehensible.

Anyway, it’s unfair to rely entirely on robbers to push us past Haiti, let alone Afghanistan.

We’re going to need a lot more commitment from the violent and the lawless if we want a top-three finish this year.

Rape is waning in popularity, dropping by 3.1%. One way to improve our world standings and do the country a service at the same time, would be for the murderers to focus exclusively on killing the rapists. Just a thought.

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Assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm increased by a pathetic 1%. WTF, dudes. What’s the point of assaulting someone if you don’t intend to inflict GBH? Slapping never got anyone anywhere.

Commercial crime shot up by 18.5%. This is good news because it’s one of the few categories where women participate equally.

When white-collar criminals engage in fraud, embezzlement, tax evasion or corruption, there are no unsightly stains left behind on the carpet. The only thing that bleeds is the economy. Also, with so much disorganised crime in the country, it’s refreshing to have some that’s a little more organised.

The release of crime stats is always accompanied by a bit of trumpet-blowing. Making inroads. Tide is turning. Successes. In other words, the criminals have gone from laughing openly at us to sniggering behind their hands.

In Gauteng, for instance, “complex investigations” led to the discovery of drug-making tools worth R2.6 million. That’s $144 000, or Elon Musk’s ketamine supply for the weekend. Hardly a bust that will make the cover of Interpol Weekly.

“Throughout July, arrests included drug mules smuggling narcotics valued in millions, showcasing the Saps’ determination in combating drug trafficking.”

In other words, the cops were tipped off by the traffickers themselves. Passenger A is carrying 1kg of cocaine. Arrest her. Passenger B, with 20kg of Bolivia’s finest strapped to his waist, smiles and keeps walking.

A crackdown on armed gangs and murder hotspots in KwaZulu-Natal “signalled progress”. From what I’ve read, any house containing any suspects turns into a murder hotspot the moment the KZN cops arrive.

As the unofficial US Special Forces motto goes, “Kill ’em all, let God sort ’em out.”

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The Hawks’ “proactive” measures resulted in 818 arrests on various charges. Oh, please. There are 800 people in my street alone who should be arrested.

On state capture, which has taken on a mythological quality due to the inexorable passing of time when nothing happens, much like Buddhism’s bardo, a transitional state between death and rebirth, or, in the case of the NPA’s criminally useless Shamila Batohi, between getting fired and finding another job, 27 people and eight companies have been arrested.

Three cases were finalised, resulting in one conviction. This is cause for celebration.

My only wish is that I could be around to see the look on my unborn grandchild’s face when she attends the posthumous trials of those who conspired to bring South Africa to its knees through their shameless hunger for money and power.

Also, 17 police officers were murdered in three months. Being South African, I don’t know if this is a lot or a little. If things are getting worse or improving.

Either way, it’s probably inappropriate to celebrate. “The persistence of high crime rates underscores the urgency of doubling our efforts in law enforcement,” said the minister. I’m not sure doubling is going to do it. Should we try for quadrupling?