More taxes, more debt, and a budget built on fantasy

Yes, I know the budget is old news, but it has taken me this long to work up the courage to tackle something my brain was never designed to understand.

I do, on the other hand, know that when you empty a bucket of raw meat among a pack of hyenas, the quick will always get more than the slow.

As tourists flock to Tanzania to see the Serengeti migration, so too will people one day visit South Africa to witness the feeding frenzy in the weeks following the budget.

Instead of wildebeest, we have herds of civil servants stampeding through government offices clutching bags stuffed with tenders and banknotes to be shared among friends, relatives, police and prosecutors.

Here, the raw meat is R2.59 trillion worth of taxpayers’ money. Okay, maybe not all of it. I hope the government has more income-generating schemes other than bleeding the 1.5% of South Africans who pay 60% of all personal income tax.

Let me pour a stiff drink and peruse this weighty document issued by the so-called Treasury.

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In his foreword, director-general Duncan Pieterse says economic growth is likely to average 1.8% over the next three years.

This is what I got for maths in my Grade 10 mid-term exams. My parents hit me, set the dog on me and locked me in my room for three days with no food or water.

I’m not saying this should happen to Pieterse, but someone ought to bear the consequences.

I have just discovered that 1.8% is wildly optimistic. Last year, our growth was 0.8%, narrowly beating fabulous countries like Yemen, Haiti and Sudan.

Our role models should be those with the highest economic growth, right? If you’re thinking of countries like Australia, Japan and France, you’d be wrong.

Truth is, we need to be more like Libya, Bangladesh and Uzbekistan, all of which have faster growth than us. Mongolia grew by 6.5% last year, for heaven’s sake. Samoa by 5.3%. Jou ma Samoa.

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Vietnam and Cambodia are in the vicinity of 6%, but that’s mostly thanks to our magical rhino horn they’re snorting. Makes you able to work and shag around the clock. Haven’t tried it myself in case the balance is wrong and all I do is work.

So, yeah. It’s not the western or even Scandinavian nations we should be emulating. It’s the pathetic basket cases that have turned a corner and are streaking ahead.

We haven’t even reached our corner. In a certain light, if the angle is just right, you can see it waiting for us down the road. Like objects in your side mirror, failure is closer than it appears.

This is a good thing. Once we have rolled multiple times on the corner and lie broken and bleeding in the veld, I’m confident that we can take on the likes of Guyana and its impressive 34% growth rate.

Pieterse says the debt-to-GDP ratio will stabilise at 76.2% in 2025-26, declining thereafter. I don’t know what this means. Was Pieterse drinking when he wrote it? Is it me? Perhaps we are simply two good old boys surviving by staying a tiny bit tipsy all of the time.

Our man admits that more is needed to change South Africa’s trajectory, “particularly given growing external risks”. Is he referring to a possible invasion by Swaziland or the global risks posed by Musk & Trump’s Flying Circus? Being more of a diplomatic than Ebrahim Rasool, Pieterse ain’t saying.

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He adds that the government is “significantly upscaling its infrastructure delivery programme”. This is exciting stuff. A brilliant idea whose time has come.

Actually, it came 20 years ago and again 10 years after that, then five years ago, and every year since, but I’m sure this time – THIS time – it’s going to happen. So be careful out there, people. You never know when a Significant Upscaling might break out in your suburb.

Also, the government plans on stepping up its flirtation with the private sector. It’s going to hoick its skirt, bat its eyelashes and make suggestive movements with its zebra-sized hips.

It’s unlikely the private sector will make the same mistake again. This time, they’re going to want to see the money on the bedside table before they so much as take off their shoes.

There’s also cash being set aside for “disaster reconstruction”. Nice idea. We could have a theme park based on typical South African disasters like our roads, schools, hospitals and so on. Obviously it would only work if we fixed these things first. So, no theme park this century, then.

Pieterse says the government will continue rebuilding the SA Revenue Service. This is the same outfit that refuses to reveal Jacob Zuma’s tax records, despite a Constitutional Court ruling that blanket tax secrecy is unconstitutional.

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Not sure why they’re protecting the rogue who broke the SA Revenue Service in the first place. Take your time with the rebuilding.

The government will also “incentivise” early retirement to “revitalise” the public service. So, R11 billion to get rid of 30 000 employees currently yawning and scratching their asses and learning to say “the system is offline” in all 11 official languages.

Value-added tax will be increased over two years, bringing it to 16%. VAT is the government’s way of punishing us for still having enough money to buy stuff after we’ve paid income tax. The best way to avoid paying VAT is to shoplift.

Some R425 billion a year, 75% of our GDP, or, in terms we can all understand, the equivalent of 98 327 Olympic-sized swimming pools filled to the brim with 1841 Veuve Clicquot, is spent on servicing our debts.

The solution is simple. Just stop paying. It’s the South African way. What’s China going to do? Repossess us? Good luck with that, bro.

Parliament votes on the budget in May, so my studied analysis could be proven wrong.

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This is hopeless. I’ve run out of space and haven’t got past Pieterse’s foreword. Maybe next year.