May women start prioritising themselves, as men will seemingly always toss them aside

Such was the edition 2.0 of the Gigabas over the weekend, as their matrimonial issues became a public spectacle once again. And the pain of their relationship resulted in Norma being arrested.

Nevertheless, I had to remember that if you live in the limelight, you have to be ready for the light to shine on everything you do. Generally, people enjoy mogozi (gossip) about troubles in paradise, and the Gigabas are no exception.

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What caught my attention and left me a little hopeless about us men in South Africa is how much we persist and insist on making everything about us. We should never normalise any kind of violence or abuse from anyone; be it a man or woman, your wife or husband. It should be condemned.

Malusi Gigaba and Norma Gigaba have been at this place before. In 2015 when Melusi’s cheating scandal went public, Norma chose to forgive and show compassion. On record, she declared her undying love and said she wasn’t bitter and she would rise beyond this.

She humanised the words of Hooks again when she said, “For me, forgiveness and compassion are always linked: how do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?

It was about holding him accountable and still believed that he will be transformed. And that is what true love does.

Nevertheless, the school of thought believing that us men drive women to a point of madness needs to be demystified. Lest as men we start believing that women push us to kill and abuse them physically and emotionally.

Without any solicited research to back me up, we all know that many women have been pushed by our actions as men to act out of character. There are things they do out of pain and emotions that are unusual, borderline psychopathic. However, we should not normalise abuse when it comes to men.

I wish Norma could have walked away, just like I have wished a lot of men could have walked away before they raised their hand against their female partners. But they didn’t and it is all wishful thinking that comes from a rational, sober mind.

When feelings of pain, hurt and heartbrokenness overcome us, we all lose our sanity a bit. That should never be a permit to commit any crime or become violent.

Sadly, we still have a long way to go. Because women are learning the hard way that as men, we are inherently self-absorbed.

Bell Hooks puts it better: “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.”

• Kabelo Chabalala is the founder of the Young Men Movement (YMM), an organisation that focuses on the reconstruction of the socialisation of boys to create a new cohort of men. Email, kabelo03chabalala@gmail.com; Instagram, @kb_the_village_boy; Twitter, @KabeloJay; Facebook, Kabelo Chabalala