Love is in the air … fryer

Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself. I work with news every day – politics, crime and human suffering. It is supposed to make me a deep and emotional being who spends my days and nights worrying about the future of humanity and other people’s feelings.

Of course I care about those things but, at night, before I go to sleep, I think about something else – my air fryer.

“Does that make me shallow?” I asked the lovely Snapdragon, my present wife, the other day. She spent a few seconds to ponder the question, then answered: “No. No, that doesn’t make you shallow. That only demonstrates how shallow you are by nature.”

“But I care about people and feelings and things,” I objected. “I just love my air fryer, too. I cook for the family every evening. It’s much easier with the air fryer. It makes my life more tolerable.”

“Just excuses,” Snapdragon said. “Be honest, you love that dastardly thing more than me.”

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I almost dropped the ball: “Well, it doesn’t use as much electricity as … No! No, I love you much more than my air fryer,” I corrected myself. “There’s even a chance I love you more than all the kitchen appliances combined.”

Since that discussion, I’ve made pork chops and chicken. It was easy and quick and the children loved it.

But my air fryer wasn’t as much fun as talking to Snapdragon before bedtime. For some reason she was quieter than usual. Last night, when we were reading in bed, I confided in her. “My air fryer doesn’t understand me.”

She sat upright, her brows question marks. I continued, after peeking through the door to where the air fryer stood in the kitchen. Its lights were off – it couldn’t hear me.

“I still love it. It’s just … well… it’s just that I’m not in love with it any more. Sometimes I think I need more in my life. Someone like…” I looked at her. “Someone like you.”

“Even if I use more electricity?” she asked. “Even if I don’t have the same sleek curves or my voice isn’t as husky as its ‘beep’?”

“Curves are overrated,” I said. “And when there’s load shedding, you and the air fryer use the same amount of electricity.”

“Damn, you’re shallow,” she said. But she smiled.