Load shagging: When lights are off, South Africans are charged up

Last week, I was in Mauritius and I learnt that there are only 1.2 million people on the East African island.

It boggled my mind that such an idyllic paradise with beautiful beaches, striking lagoons and breathtaking mountains was not inhabited by more people.

Yes, it is not the most flattering trait that the nation was a French and British colony from 1715 to 1968 but, still, why are there not more Mauritians?

Is it a bit like a body count, where none of us want to be with someone who has a high number of exes?

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To make things worse, it turns out failed love interests included the Dutch, Arabs, Portuguese and Malays.

Surely, if so many nations wanted a piece of Mauritians, there should be more people on the island, right?

Let us look at you, as your current lover has a past they are not too proud of – maybe it was tattooed Tamryn or scary Sipho from Extension 6 – and you still managed to bag them.

So what could possibly be the reason why there are not more people inhabiting the atoll?

It took all of two hours after landing at the Sir Seewoosagur Ramgoolam Airport for me to figure it out, after my Eskom Se Push app informed me that my area back at home was being escalated to stage 4.

Unlike us, Mauritians have no load shagging.

Last year, the Sex Expo conducted a survey and results showed that when the lights are off, South Africans are charged up in the bedroom faster than a premium power bank.

According to the anonymous survey, 65% of adults older than 30 years noted that load shedding resulted in more horizontal dancing for them.

I am not surprised at all that, as South Africans, we have the ability to turn a dire situation into a sensual soiree.

But my real concern is with the 35% of South Africans! How can a dimly lit room and spontaneity sponsored by Megawatt Park not prompt you to get your jiggy on?

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You are the reason there are only 59 893 885 South Africans.

You are counter-revolutionary, as some of us are trying to ensure we attain the respectable round number of 66 million South Africans when census time comes along.

If you are not willing to play your part for our beloved country, please hand in your passport at the nearest home affairs office and move to Mauritius.

They are all about keeping their numbers as low as possible, not us. We cannot wait for stage 100!