Lights! Camera! Arrest action!

Minutes of National Prosecuting Authority’s (NPA) meeting with the Hawks:

Date: Classified
Place: Classified
Those present: Classified

The NPA recorded its thanks to the Hawks for saving it from national embarrassment by ensuring the “big arrests” started on the last day of September, as the NPA promised.

The Hawks representative said: “No problem, babe, for you we killa da bull.”

The NPA noted the sexism and anti-veganism in that statement and recommended the NPA rep go for sensitivity training. The NPA rep apologised.

The Hawks then outlined their strategy for the arrest of the “Big Fish”(codename Ace). Before they did so, the NPA reported that it was
pointless having a codename the same as a suspect’s name.

The Hawks rep amended the codename to Cheetah (that well-known provincial rugby animal), a codename which could be taken both ways.

The Hawks announced the candidate directors who had both submitted tenders for the Hollywood arrest of “Cheetah”.

Both directors had refused to pay incentives to be granted the contract, but this was considered a problem which could be overcome, the Hawks rep said.

Mr Steven Spielberg

His credentials were considered carefully.

His movie Jurassic Park reminded one of the African National Congress (ANC) leadership as well as the National Assembly. Raiders of the Lost Ark might also resonate with those who felt the Ark of the Treasury had been looted.

The Hawks rep said his bosses liked Jaws also, because they were ready to devour the ANC thieves – although it was pointed out that the shark loses in the end.

The rep said there was some confusion about Mr Spielberg’s movie Close Encounters of the Third Force… until it was pointed out that the last word was incorrect.

The Hawks rep said the selection committee was most worried about Saving Private Ryan, which was pretty much what the NPA and the
Hawks (under their previous management) had been trying to do with Msholozi.

Mr Quentin Tarantino

The committee liked the violent, “take no prisoners” approach of Reservoir Dogs, although the Hawks would, in fact, be taking at least some
prisoners.

The committee gave a thumbs-up to Pulp Fiction for what they saw as an accurate characterisation of the media, although there was concern that Kill Bill Vol 1 and Kill Bill Vol 2 sounded a lot like a Democratic Alliance (DA) parliamentary slogan.

Mr Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, it was felt, demonstrated a theme which could be applied to many at Luthuli House and, therefore, used in the well-scripted and well-directed arrest of “Cheetah”.

Django Unchained spoke to the colonial experience and could be used to remind suspects what the struggle was about. The Hateful Eight just about summed up the top six in the ANC, whose egos counted for an extra two seats.

It was Mr Tarantino’s latest movie, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, which secured the vote for him.

The Hawks rep said: “Now we can definitely have a Hollywood-style arrest of our subject. We think we can Ace it!”

The NPA rep agreed but said the contents of the meeting must be kept strictly confidential.

“We don’t want this getting to the suspect and, even worse, we don’t want it ending up in Independent newspapers…”

Brendan Seery

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