The lies men in white coats tell about hangovers

Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying things like, “Can I get you another?” that led to all the trouble in the first place.

They would have us believe that the first step towards avoiding a hangover lies in limiting the amount you drink. This is a lie. Your weight, metabolism, liver health and body chemistry all play a minor role in how much you can drink.

The main factor that dictates consumption levels is your emotional state. If you are in a good mood, you may find nine beers, three tequila shooters and a double Irish coffee to be an elegant sufficiency.

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However, if you are feeling downhearted, you could easily consume 15 beers, 10 shots, five double vodkas and f**k the Irish. Depressed people drink more than happy people.

This suggests the so-called experts who tell us alcohol is a depressant are lying through their filthy teeth. Depressed people are not stupid. A pain in the ass, yes. But not stupid.

Why would they slump over the bar with tears in their bloodshot eyes, telling the barman how miserable they are, only for him to say, “Jammer om van jou kak to hoor. Can I get you another depressant?”

Hangover causes

Some doctors will tell you that hangovers are caused by dehydration. This is like saying floods cause drought and I, for one, would sign any petition that calls for these charlatans to be struck off the roll.

Dehydration is caused when the bartender ignores you because he is too busy catching bottles behind his back and flirting with

.

In rare cases, dehydration is also caused when a girly little hormone designed to tell the body to conserve water can’t hold its liquor and passes out on the job, resulting in you having to pee every 10 minutes.

With the floodgates open, the body borrows water from less important organs like the brain. This causes the brain to shrink, something it is not altogether happy doing. This explains why people with tiny brains suffer worse hangovers than those of us with massive brains.

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All alcohol contains methanol. I would have thought this is a good thing since it is also the fuel used in motocross bikes. And, boy, can those babies go! But apparently not.

The problem seems to be linked to yet another design flaw in the human body. Instead of using the methanol to accelerate the mind, the body inexplicably breaks it down into formaldehyde and formic acid.

Deformed foetuses and pygmy foreskins are preserved in formaldehyde. Ants and bees secrete formic acid when they attack. What the hell are our bodies thinking?

Health benefits

The alleged experts say it is better for your body if you drink on a full stomach. Well, sure, if you don’t mind embarrassing your date by stuffing yourself with dead animals while drinking your own body weight in alcohol.

The only advantage I can see in eating before drinking is that you stand a better chance of avoiding the dreaded dry heaves. Then again, a spectacular display of projectile vomiting is more likely to impress your dinner partner.

Awareness

Remember to drink responsibly. Put your beer on the coaster and not on the floor. Also, when you run out of money, stop drinking rather than steal drinks from other people’s tables.

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My father once told me to be sensitive to the needs of my liver. When I reminded him of this later in life, he pointed out that what he had said was that I should be sensitive to the needs of my lover. Oh, well. At least today I can drink like a sperm whale and still feel fine the next day, thanks to milk thistle. Then again, women think I’m a selfish pig who cares only about his own needs.

Hangover cures

Some hangover symptoms are partly due to magnesium depletion. As we all know, magnesium constitutes about 2% of the Earth’s crust. So before you go drinking, step into the garden and grab a handful of that damn fine crust. You’ll be glad you did.

Wash the dirt from your face before you walk into the bar. No one wants to see a grown man with a soil-encrusted mouth spraying bits of grass and earthworms while shouting for another round.

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The need to find a cure for hangovers is only slightly less urgent than the need to find a cure for cancer. At least with a dread disease, you know you are going to die. With a hangover measuring 20 on the open-ended Retchter Scale, you wish you would die but, cruelly, rarely do.

A Japanese study showed that taking up to six grams of chlorella before drinking can prevent hangovers 96% of the time. Or was that cocaine? No, almost certainly chlorella. Six grams of coke is a fair amount to ingest before nipping out for a drink with the lads.

From what I can make out, chlorella seems to be some sort of algae capable of multiplying faster than that Russian maths freak who turned down a million-dollar prize after proving the Poincaré conjecture, which states that in three dimensions, you cannot transform a doughnut shape into a sphere without ripping it, although any shape without a hole can be stretched or shrunk into a sphere.

Would you like to go in front of a crowd and explain your thinking on that one? No wonder he still lives with his mother.

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If your hangover is still making you weep like a baby, try a stimulant called DMAE. And if that doesn’t work, mix up a Bloody Mary and wash down a handful of MDMA. If that doesn’t improve your mood, nothing will.