Letters to the North Pole

 Dear Old White Racist Man: How dare you use our red colour? You people steal everything, starting with our land.

Take all that white fur off your red hat! That is cultural assault! Off the record, Chief (don’t let Floyd or Mbuyiseni know) – can you bring me six bottles of TreSemme shampoo and conditioner, please? I am thinking of growing my  hair again and when I’ve done it before, it gets brittle.

Julius

Dear Mister Claus: You don’t know me and I don’t know if you can help me. But I really, really, need some tunnel vision. Apparently, wide seems to be the only way my eyes focus and my arm just follows them. My friends in the dressing room said I served up so many pies the other night – 28 in one  over – that I should start a bakery. Please help me get my aim back.

Beuran

Deer Sainty Cloors: This is the eleventy thousandth time I rite this. Pleez bring me one friend. Nobody like me. Raymond he did say I was not his friend. I am very sad. Tony, Ajay and Atul they don’t send me the postcard no more.
You can’t be friend to crazy white preacher like Carl. Wives are good for making babies. That is no problem here in Nkandla. But you cannot be friends with a woman because man he is the head of the house.

Jacob

PS: My friends can get you good present transport tender.

Democratic salutations, Mr Claus: Our constituency research indicates that you reside North of the Arctic Circle but you are a regular visitor to SA … so please accept this attached brochure on non-racialism. If I may ask for a tiny  gift: Do you have any mass Twitter blockers in stock? There are so many fools out there who don’t understand me or my party that blocking all of them is giving me Repetitive Stress Syndrome in my fingers.

John

Dear Karl-Heinz Affenschwanz (you see, I know your real identity and that you also got money from Bosasa. I’ll reveal your secret in a heartbeat!): This is not a request, it is an order. Bring more brown envelopes to my house in KZN. I know there is a shortage of these and R200 notes because so many of us in the ANC want them, but that’s not my problem. You sort it out. I said out – not Outa!

Dudu

Geagte Meneer Klaus: I want something simple – just a new set of Cuban Revolutionary Camouflage. The Pep Stores one I have is cheap and scratchy. Send the bill to the SA National Defence Force. And I just need money for taxi fare … I have to go to my mother’s funeral, again.

Carl

Dear Mr Claus: I know you are a fictional character, but let me cover all bases. I know what’s coming. I just want a generator for my house.

Andre De Ruyter

Santa Baby: I just want a Time Machine to reset everything to before November when that SOB stole my second term! That way I can stop the Illuminati controlling the Democrats and the rest of the world! Also – some stronger glue for my wig.

POTUS (until 20 January, that is)

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